Happy New Year!

I may not be online later when the new year rolls around, so I'm sending out Happy New Year wishes to you all now.

I wish I could kick 2009 in the teeth on its way out. What a crappy year it was for me. At times, absolute hell. It started off very well. Those first four months were wonderful. Then things turned on a dime and the wonderful was gone. There's one reason why things went bad and I sincerely pray that that one reason gets fixed very soon.

I don't want to end this entry on that note, so again, Happy New Year to you all. Here's hoping 2010 is infinitely better than 2009.

Hopes for 2010

In January of this year, I wrote about my hopes for 2009. Only two of them (#3 and #6) came true. :-/ Here is my list of hopes for 2010:

I hope that:

1. ...Charlie will be home a lot more. I'm tired of being lonely and of him being gone all the time.

2. ...My PCOS goes away (which would take a miracle, there is no cure) or that at least the symptoms will greatly improve.

3. ...We put our house back on the market, get it sold and buy a house that's big enough for us and Charlie's toys. Oh, and that it has a fourth bedroom so that I can have a beautiful library. (Built-ins, oriental rug, paintings, a tapestry, plush armchairs, a dark wood desk, a globe [which I already have]. Kind of like Biltmore Estate's library, only smaller and much less expensive.) And a bigger backyard for the kids. :-)

4. ...I can find something to satisfy my craving for something new and different in my life. This was on my list for 2009 as well. I've really been thinking about taking a photography class and maybe become a freelance photographer. The problem is, I need a much better camera than what I have now and those things are very expensive. *sigh*

5. ...We can take our annual vacation to Southport. I adore Southport and I look forward to our trip there every year. If things continue as they are (God forbid), I'm not sure we'll be going. :-(

6. ...My kids continue to do well in school. Sean is doing so much better in school this year than he has the past few years and he's really enjoying it. It makes me so happy to see how well he's doing. I'm proud of him. Kelly is still making good grades even though I can tell she's not putting all her effort into it. If/when she decides to really give it her best, the sky's the limit. She just needs to become more interested and enjoy it more.

7. ...Charlie learns to worry less and have more faith that God will take care of us and that He will do what we can't do. With God all things are possible. And He will supply all our need.

8. ...I will keep holding on to God and to what I know is right. Sometimes I want to run away, let go, give up. Things have been so difficult. How long must a person endure before things change for the better? But when I look at the alternative, giving up, and the results of it, I have to keep holding on.

Well, that's all I can come up with so far for 2010. I hope you all have a very happy and blessed New Year.

2009 Meme

I found this meme at Cats on the British Counter.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Went on a vacation with my husband's family. It's usually just the four of us.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any resolutions. I have some hopes and dreams for 2010, but no resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. :-(

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Other than the first four months of this year, 2009 was an emotionally and physically difficult year for me. For 2010, I'd like to have the peace, harmony, normalcy and good health that were taken from me.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 31st. I won't say why. Hopefully this date can be lost to my memory someday, if/when things return to how they should be.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Sanity.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm. Nothing comes to mind.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing outside the ordinary for me.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Living room furniture and books.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine. lol Well, maybe not celebration exactly. But just the fact that I haven't killed a certain someone and have managed to be patient (not without difficulty), forgiving and keep believing is almost a miracle. Not because I'm usually the opposite of these things. But because the situation has been extremely trying.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I won't say, but he/she knows who they are and if they read this, they'll know it's them I mean. lol

14. Where did most of your money go?

Other than bills, groceries and things for the kids.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Our short vacation to Southport in late April.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2009?

Too many to think of or list.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

ii. Sadder.

iii. Thinner or fatter?

iv. Same.

v. richer or poorer?

vi. Same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent more time with my husband. *shakes fist at his job*

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Already done and written about. :-)

21. How many one-night stands?

Yuck. None!

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Closer, Lost, Heroes, Life (cancelled), Bones.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

Outlander and Dragonfly in Amber.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I didn't make any musical discoveries this year that I can recall.

26. What did you want and get?

Living room furniture, books. Still waiting on what I most want.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Julie and Julia.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Nothing. My daughter's birthday is the day after mine and we focus on her. I turned 36.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Same as it's always been - classic and feminine.

30. What kept you sane?

God and a lot of prayer.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

It's been Orlando Bloom and Jude Law for several years now. Gerard Butler was added to that list this year. I'm not sure why. I've known about him almost as long as I have Orlando and Jude and I've seen him in movies before. But I was watching him on a late night talk show and something about him struck me. He seemed like a real man, you know? And that's sexy. Someone who can do any of the typical manly things (fix things) and knows how to love and treat a woman. He may be none of those things, but his personality and masculinity seemed to say that he is or could be.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Nothing really. Politics are of little interest to me.

33. Who did you miss?

My husband.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

I don't recall meeting anyone new.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

There's nothing more important than God and family. I knew this already, but the way my life has gone this year has just further proved it to me.

Guests on Saturday

As has been typical for me the past several months, I didn't sleep well Friday night, only getting about 5 hours of sleep, off and on. We got a late start Saturday as a result, not getting out of the house until about 12:30. Partly because Kelly took her time getting dressed.

We got everything on the grocery list and I also bought a few things with the money I got for Christmas. (Something I wasn't expecting at all. It was a nice surprise.) I bought The Lovely Bones, Julie and Julia on Blu-Ray, a pair of slippers (which I really needed) and a controller charger for the PS3. No one's been able to play any games for a few months now because apparently the old charger quit working. I still have some money left, but I haven't decided yet what I'm going to buy with it. I might use some of it to take my kids out for pizza or something.

Anyway, I had wanted to get the stew started at 3:30 (all that slicing of the meat, and the peeling and slicing of the potatoes takes awhile; especially for a big pot of stew), but I didn't get started until after 4:00. Jonathan and Angelica arrived shortly before 6:00 and the stew was done not long after they arrived. I also made some rolls to go with the stew.

Isn't it funny how you can make something a hundred times, but feel nervous that it's not going to turn out well for guests? Thankfully the stew turned out fine and my guests commented many times on how much they loved it. My mom, who was also here, loved it too and had two bowls. :-)

Sean, as I believe I wrote before, has been on a board game kick lately and was driving us crazy wanting to play a game. He tried to teach Jonathan how to play chess, but Jonathan said his brain was a little too fried at that time to learn such a complicated game. lol Jonathan, Sean and I then played a game of Trivial Pursuit DVD Pop Culture. I won and Jonathan came in a close second. (He lacked one piece of pie.) Sean of course struggled, as most of the questions were about things that were before his time. He did manage to get one piece of pie though, with my help. Poor fella. But he had fun and that's all that matters.

Our guests left around 9:00 or so and I struggled to stay awake. All day I'd been getting my words mixed up ("ibuprayfen", "slunfower seeds", etc.) and I was moving a little slower than usual, even when trying to quickly get the stew together. I was just too tired to function at 100%.

I fell asleep on the couch twice, for 2-3 hours each time. When I woke up the second time, it was after 7:00 AM and I was still tired, so I went to bed thinking I'd sleep for just another couple hours. I ended up sleeping for about 11-12 hours total. I couldn't believe it. And even after all that sleep, I still fell asleep on the couch a couple times yesterday evening and last night, for an hour the first time and only briefly the second time.

I guess my body really needed the rest. But of course it meant not being able to sleep at all last night.

No plans for today. I had thought about going somewhere and doing something (not sure what), but we may just hang around the house today.

Hard to believe it's almost 2010. Wow. But then don't we say that about every new year? :-)


"For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness." -- Andy Rooney

Christmas Day

Sean and Kelly had a good Christmas. Moxie dolls, two Three Musketeer Barbies (one with a horse), a Mulan doll and a Hannah Montana doll for Kelly from me and Charlie. All Transformers for Sean. It's all he had on his list.

Mom got Kelly a Three Musketeers Barbie doll, a Barbie refrigerator, two posable Barbies and a Barbie Doggie Park set. She got Sean a few Transformers, Lincoln Logs and a Transformer Hot Wheels track.

After presents were opened, the kids of course spent most of the day playing with their new stuff. They also played cards (War) with Charlie for a bit and we watched some TV.

As mentioned in a previous entry, we had leftover spaghetti (the noodles weren't left over) for Christmas dinner. It tasted really good though and that's all that matters. :-)

I have to get groceries today. Then we're having a couple over from church - Jonathan and Angelica. They're expecting their first child in March or April. A boy, I believe.

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

Our Christmas Eve

I've spent most of the day today cleaning, doing laundry (which reminds me, I need to put a load in the dryer and get another load washing) and wrapping presents. I made spaghetti for supper. I didn't plan for Christmas dinner when I went grocery shopping, so it will be leftover spaghetti for supper tomorrow. :-/ I had originally planned on cooking a whole chicken for Christmas, but it slipped my mind and I forgot to buy one.

I let the kids open one present each tonight. Sort of a Christmas tradition. Sean opened this Bumblebee Transformer thing that you wear on your arm and pretend to shoot with. Kelly opened a Three Musketeers Corinne and horse.

They were watching Home Alone 2.

I cut my dog's hair late last night while sort of watching (mostly listening to) Fool's Gold. Pippin looks so much better. The poor little guy was in bad need of a haircut.

As for how I'm doing, I'm still a little sore and I still get twinges of pain in one or both ovaries. But pain is something I've lived with everyday for a few years now. :-/

Health Update

I called my doctor's office yesterday, waited about an hour before they called back. They told me that it was probably a cyst that had ruptured (just as I figured) and that I'd be sore for a few days. If the pain gets bad again, I should call back and I'll probably have to go in to be seen.

I have been sore all across my lower abdomen, with the strongest pain being in and around my ovaries. I've also had a headache since Sunday and I started hurting in my lower back yesterday afternoon.

When I was looking up information about ovarian cysts I also discovered that some cysts can be (or become?) cancerous. Oh, that's nice to know. It's not enough that I'm at a higher risk for uterine cancer and ovarian cancer, having PCOS. Now I have to be concerned about cancerous cysts as well.

My doctor likes to have ultrasounds done on me once or twice a year. It was after one of the first ultrasounds that he told me that I have cysts in both ovaries (common with PCOS), with my left ovary having the most cysts.

Maybe it's because of all the cysts that I hurt everyday.

Anyway, I'm not overly worried about the possibility of cancer. Why worry before you really have to?

--------------------------------
The kids had a 3-hour delay to the start of their school day yesterday due to icy roads. Today they have a 2-hour delay.

After getting Kelly from school yesterday (Mom was off and got Sean), and after talking to the nurse at my ob/gyn's office, we went to Borders for a couple things. I got my mom a gift card for Christmas. She's really gotten into reading lately (she says it's because of me) and borrows books from me sometimes. I thought maybe she would like to buy herself a book. Or she could get something else if she prefers. They have many different things to choose from.

I also bought a calendar of Italy for the kitchen. I have a sort of Italian theme in my kitchen, so I like to use an Italian or Tuscan themed calendar.

Kelly and I went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things after leaving Borders before coming home. One of the things I bought at the grocery store was a box of creamy macaroni and cheese. I don't know why, but all of a sudden I was craving it (haven't had it in a long time) and that's what we had for supper. Nice and nutritious, eh? I'll do better in the supper department tonight. Cube steak (w/corn, au gratin potatoes and great northern beans) or spaghetti.

Rude Awakening

I woke up yesterday morning to pain in my left ovary. It was one of those deals where you kind of realize you've been squirming and practically panting in pain before you even woke up.

I tried to suffer quietly so as not to wake up or alarm my kids, but after a few minutes the pain escalated to the point that I could no longer keep quiet. The pain was so intense I was moaning loudly and crying a little. My daughter told me later that it sounded like I was having a baby.

Sean came running into my room asking me if I was okay. He then called my mom. She could hear me crying out in pain and told Sean to get me some medicine and a heating pad. She then told him to call 911 if that didn't help.

There was no way I could sit up to take medicine. And if you try to take medicine lying down you'll practically drown yourself.

I was in obvious agony and Sean kept saying he was going to call 911, but I told him (when I could speak) not to. That it would probably ease up in a bit.

Then, after about 30 minutes, it was like someone flipped a switch and the pain was instantly gone.

I'm pretty sure that when I was hurting it was because a cyst was about to burst and when it finally did, the pain was gone. As I was lying there hurting, I remembered seeing an episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant where this woman with PCOS was in labor but just thought that a cyst was about to burst. She kept waiting for it to burst, knowing that when it finally did her pain would be gone. Only this time for her it wasn't a cyst.

I've mentioned several times on my blog that I have PCOS and I wrote about the syndrome/disease back in August. This isn't the first time a cyst has burst, but it is the first time I was in this kind of pain from it. The first time it was more like very intense menstrual cramps and I was doubled over in pain for a couple days. This was shorter, but much more intense.

I was sore throughout the day and night after this recent incident, and for the first several hours it felt almost like I was recovering from a c-section. (Both of my children were delivered via c-section.) I moved around slowly and did little to no bending over.

I'm still a little sore/tender all across my lower abdominal area, and I get twinges of pain in my left ovary still, so I'm trying to take it a little easy. But thank God the worst of the pain is over.

Great. I was just looking for a site I could link to about ovarian cysts and I read this:

"Sudden or severe pelvic pain, especially with vomiting or a fever, should be treated as a medical emergency."

Another site said that infection from a cyst bursting can get into your body (causing septic shock, but maybe I would've noticed that by now?) and could also cause internal bleeding.

There was no vomiting or fever (though I didn't check my temperature), but the pain was definitely sudden and severe. I really don't want to have to go to the doctor. :-/ The last time (also the first time) I had a cyst to burst they did one of those internal ultrasounds and I really hate those.

*sigh*

Anyway, I unfortunately had to miss our church's Christmas concert last night. I was too sore and moving around like a granny. I'm still sore, as I said, but moving around like a younger granny. ;-)

Snow Pictures

Taken early this morning.

All bundled up.

Sliding down the driveway.

Eating snow.

This isn't a movie!

Somehow I keep forgetting that. I keep expecting some hero to come in and rescue me. Or something magical to happen that will make everything right. All kinds of scenarios run through my head nearly everyday. At first it didn't occur to me that I was being influenced by movies. lol But then one day I stopped myself mid-daydream and said, "Don't be so silly. This isn't a movie." All the scenarios I was picturing were things I had seen or am likely to see in the movies.

I still dream of how I would like for things to get better. Only now I'm aware that it's for the most part pure fantasy.

I'm going to keep believing that things are going to return to how they should be even if it kills me. But I'm also going to try not to expect things to return to how they should be in a less-than-realistic way. There probably won't be an angelic choir or music soaring. And there probably won't be a literal light of realization shining down with all made right in an instant. Nor will there be a hero who will come crashing in and save the day.

No, it will continue to be an uphill climb on a very rough mountain side. It will continue to be one day at a time, one step at time, and sometimes one inch at a time. But every day and every step and every inch brings me closer to the top of the mountain and the end of this struggle. And hopefully it will end the way I most want it to. But at the same time, I have to remember that God knows best. And maybe what He has for me is not what I want. But I know from experience that what God wants for me is always better than what I want for myself. He and I could be in agreement, or it could be that what He has waiting for me is not only not what I've been praying for, but also more wonderful and more beautiful.

I'm trying to be a little less specific when I pray (You have to do this and this, and You have to do it by this time) and pray more that His will be done and not my own. Yes, that's scary. To know what you want more than anything in the world, but then stop praying that you get it and that instead you get what God wants you to have, even if it's different from what you most want. Ahhh! But God is good and He will not bring about the end of all of this leaving me miserable and disappointed. He never has before.

All things work together for good to them who love God and are the called according to His purpose.

This and That

I've had a relatively good couple days. I went Christmas shopping for my kids on Thursday. (Kelly was sick with a fever and so was with my mom. Sean was at school and then my mom picked him up when he got out.) I got much of what was on their lists. Kelly has a birthday in less than two months and Sean's is in less than four months, so I can get the rest of what they want then.

Before going shopping, I took our cable box and all the cables back to Time Warner. I was nervous that they would give me a hard time. I really don't like dealing with people. But all went pretty well. They gave me a different box (apparently the other one wasn't a pure HD box or something; I don't know) and cables, and I hooked everything up after going shopping, getting Kelly some medicine from CVS and then picking the kids up from Mom's.

It was so great to not only be able to see the channels, but also hear them. Unfortunately, not all our channels were showing up, even after rebooting, so I called technical support. They had me reboot it again (re-reboot?), which still didn't help, and then they did something on their end and all the channels came back. Yay! The lady who was helping me laughed at the reaction of me and my kids. :-)

----------------------------------
Snow and possibly other wintry precipitation was expected to start around noon yesterday, so I did my grocery shopping earlier than I usually do on Fridays. It wasn't easy getting my day started however.

At 5:30 AM, I got a recorded call from the school board stating that schools would be closing three hours early due to the coming winter weather. After which I had a hard time going back to sleep. Then my mom called at 8:14 wanting to know if I'd taken Sean to school. (Kelly was sick with a low fever.) I hadn't. And if I had, we wouldn't have left the house quite yet. Yes, I was a bad mommy and let my son stay home from school. I didn't want to have to get him from school if the weather was really bad by the time they let the kids out.

After Mom's early morning call, I only slept lightly before finally getting up at 9:30 AM. I was so sleepy, but I had to get up and get out so that I could get back before the snow started falling.

The kids and I finally got out of the house at around 10:30. We went to Target where I got some of the groceries (oh, how I wish there were a Super Target around here) and a present (Bakugan) for my brother's step-son Zack. Then we got gas, went to Food Lion for the rest of the groceries and came home. It started snowing as we were leaving Food Lion. It was so pretty to see.

As you can see, this is a night shot. Unfortunately, my camera doesn't take good night shots. I'll try to take a better picture today.

I got online for awhile after getting home before lying down on the couch to take a nap. I ended up sleeping for almost four hours! I couldn't believe it. It was nearly 7:00 PM when I got up. The snow was a few inches deep by then. I quickly got supper started. I figured it was a good night for chili.

The kids and I then just hung out watching TV. I especially enjoyed that since I hadn't been able to really for a few weeks. The Holiday came on TV and I let the kids stay up late to watch it. (They had never seen it before. And it has Jack Black in it. Is there any kid who's seen School of Rock and/or Kung Fu Panda who doesn't like Jack Black?) I know, bad mommy again. :-/

-----------------------------
My daughter said something sweet to me last night. (Not surprising really considering she's such a mama's girl. Or mother's girl, since she calls me Mother.) She asked me, "What else do you want for Christmas besides Daddy and a new camera?" I said, "Books and Blu-Rays." Then she said she wished she could get them for me. Awww.

-----------------------------
The need for something new and wonderful in my life hit me again a little while ago. I think I've written about it before.

This horrible situation I've been in for seven months now is taking its toll. I'm trying to get the victory, but it's putting up quite a fight and refusing to go down. I tell God sometimes, "I hope what comes after this is just as wonderful and beautiful as this current situation is horrible."

Wouldn't it stink if when I get through this all that's waiting on the other side is some little piddly thing? lol Not that I wouldn't be grateful just to make it through, of course. But, well, without going into detail (I have my reasons), just making it through wouldn't really be enough. There must be restoration on the other side.

I cannot tell you how badly I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?'”

Men and Women

“By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class.” -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" -- Milton Berle

"You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping." -- Cindy Crawford

"They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation." -- Oliver Goldsmith

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” -- Elaine Boosler

“I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.” -- Tammy Fay

"Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece." -- Author Unknown

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think." -- Author Unknown

"Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls." -- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

"I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason." -- Stanley Baldwin

"A woman's whole life is a history of the affections." -- Washington Irving

"The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them." -- Robert Graves

"Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak." -- William Shakespeare, As You Like It

"Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember." -- Author Unknown


"Did you hear about the baby born with organs of both sexes? It had a penis and a brain." -- Author Unknown

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man." -- Erica Jong

"Men can read maps better than women. 'Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles." -- Roseanne Barr

"Men are beasts and even beasts don't behave as they do." -- Brigitte Bardot

"A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position." -- Oscar Wilde

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." -- Rita Mae Brown

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women." -- Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander

"When a man of forty falls in love with a girl of twenty, it isn't her youth he is seeking but his own." -- Lenore Coffee

"A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become." -- Anita Wise

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

"Next year all our troubles will be miles away."

One can only hope.

Trying to Encourage Myself

"Fair warning" to any who don't like Bible or God talk. There's Bible talk to follow. :-D This is mainly for me anyway, but if it helps anyone else, I'm glad.

"A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." -- Proverbs 15:1

"Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use [hurt; mistreat; are cruel to] you." -- Luke 6:28

"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." -- Luke 6:31

"Recompence to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men." -- Romans 12:17

"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
"Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire [guilt; shame] upon his head.
"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." -- Romans 12:19-21

"If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:
"For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee." -- Proverbs 25:21-22

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
"And let us be not weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." -- Galatians 6:7 & 9

---------------------------------

To be good to someone who is treating you badly and to take the high road is not easy. Part of me wants to give them a piece of my mind, tell them the not-so-nice things that I think of them. But I know that it wouldn't make anything better. And if/when things go back to being how they should be, I won't be able to take back what I say. Those words would always be there in our minds.

I am trying with all my strength to do good to them. To be patient, kind, forgiving. To show love in the face of their cold-heartedness and selfishness. As I wrote in a previous entry, we are responsible for our own choices and actions. I can't blame them for my bad reaction to them anymore than they can blame me for their poor choices.

We reap what we sow and I'm doing my best to sow good things. When we do good to those who do evil to us, it brings guilt and shame to them (or it should) for how they've treated us. And we will be rewarded, blessed, for doing good to them. For showing love, for forgiving, for helping them in spite of their bad behavior.

"This too shall pass", they say. Well, it'd be really great if it went ahead and did that. I've had enough of this situation. The Bible says "faint not", which means don't give up. Don't quit doing what's right even when it's hard [sacrifice of righteousness - Psalm 4], and eventually you will reap the benefits.

I want so much for the day to finally arrive when things are the way they should be. I mean, if things would just take that first step towards being better it'd be easier to hold on. My hope and my heart would be strengthened. I could face the next day (and the next and the next, etc.) a little more joyfully.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." With as long as I've put up with this and as difficult as it has been, I reckon I'll be Superwoman when this is over. ;-)

Winter Band Concert

Tonight was the Winter Band Concert at Sean's school. Mom got off work early and met us there. Charlie arrived from work about 15 minutes before it started. Sean's grade (6th) was first. They were also the biggest group of the night and did very well. They played four songs - Merry We Roll Along (same tune as Mary Had a Little Lamb), Good King Wenceslas, Jolly Old Saint Nicholas and Jingle Bells.

You could see the pride on Sean's face afterwards, even though he said he messed up a couple times. This is Sean's first year playing the flute. He's done well pretty much right from the start and we are proud of him.

Seventh grade, the Jazz Band and Eighth grade followed. Seventh grade played Christmas Fun, Jingle Bones (with a trombone solo) and Winter Wonderland. The Jazz Band played Who Let the Elves Out? And eighth grade played You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch, The Nutcracker Suite and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

I took several pictures of Sean sitting with and playing with the band. Most of them didn't turn out so good. I think the problem with my camera is that I dropped it on the ceramic tile floor a couple months ago. :-/ I really need a new camera.

Anyway, here are a couple of the pictures:

Selfishness

If there's anything I hate it's selfishness. I've mentioned it before. For a person to pursue their own desires or path in life at the expense and neglect of others is beyond comprehension.

"The human being who lives only for himself finally reaps nothing but unhappiness. Selfishness corrodes. Unselfishness ennobles, satisfies. Don't put off the joy derivable from doing helpful, kindly things for others.” -- B. C. Forbes

"Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.” -- Napoleon Hill

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." -- Norman MacEwan

"A soul that knows it is loved but does not itself love betrays its sediment: what is at the bottom comes up." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Selfish people tend to be liars and give all kinds of "reasons" for their behavior. They try hard to justify their actions. If you ask them why they did what they did, knowing they were going to hurt someone, they may say something like, "What about what I want?" Or they blame someone else for why they "had" to do what they did.

You are responsible for your own actions, good or bad. And if what you want will result in neglect or pain or struggle for someone else (especially someone you're supposed to care about), you really need to stop and examine yourself, your motives and what it is you say you want. Quit pointing your finger at others. Quit telling lies. And quit being so selfish.

Between the one who did the hurting and the one who has been hurt, the person I feel most sorry for is the former. Why? Because the selfish one who did the hurting has done damage to their own soul and character. They will eventually pay for what they did. The one they hurt will reap good things if they don't return evil for evil. (Two wrongs don't make a right.) Because of their goodness, forgiveness of the one who hurt them, and taking of the high road, their moral character is still strong, their soul is undamaged (though their heart could take awhile to heal) and someday they will be rewarded (Proverbs 25:21-22).

I am a hopelessly optimistic person (even in my dark times) and I firmly believe that "darkness may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning".

Christmas Meme

I found this over at Pass the Potatoes. I've seen it at a couple other blogs as well. I have an idea for a new blog entry in mind, something I've been thinking on for a few days now, but it's not ready yet and I may not even post it. So here's this meme for now.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Usually wrapping paper. It depends on the shape of the gift. Some things are too awkward for wrapping paper.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
Artificial. I don't like the smell of a real tree in my house.

3. When do you put up the tree?
Right after Thanksgiving.

4.When do you take the tree down?
Soon after New Year's.

5. Do you like egg nog?
I've never tried it, but I probably wouldn't like it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Anything Barbie.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
Any and all males in my family. I never know what to buy boys or men.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
My daughter Kelly. If it's Barbie or anything girly, she'll probably love it.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, a small glass one.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail. Though email is fine too.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Maybe socks. I rarely wear socks.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
There are several I like (White Christmas, Holiday Inn, It's a Wonderful Life, The Santa Clause, How the Grinch Stole Christmas), but I don't really have a favorite. I do have a favorite movie that takes place at Christmastime, but isn't a true Christmas movie - The Holiday starring Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Cameron Diaz and Jack Black. I've been wanting to watch that again here lately. Great movie.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Early December. Every year I tell myself that I'm going to start earlier, but I never do.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
No.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
The only thing I usually eat at Christmas that I don't eat the rest of the year are candy canes (just a few), so I guess I'd choose that.

16. Lights on the tree?
Of course. I like multi-colored. White lights are boring to me. No offense. :-)

17. Favorite Christmas song?
O Holy Night. I also really like It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, All I Want for Christmas is You, O Little Town of Bethlehem, The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting...), Ding Dong Merrily on High, White Christmas, Angels We Have Heard on High, Sweet Little Jesus Boy, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, What Child is This?, In Excelsis Deo, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Breath of Heaven, Carol of the Bells, Sleigh Ride and Winter Wonderland.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay home.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Vixen and Rudolph.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Angel.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
I let my kids open one present each on Christmas Eve, then they open the rest the next morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Cold weather. Especially if it rains. The crowds don't really bother me. Though it does bother me if people get impatient and rude, but I don't really notice a lot of that.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color?
I have a lot of favorite ornaments. I don't really have a theme. All the glass balls on our tree are red and the angel is wearing a red dress. There does seem to be a lot of red on our tree, but red is popular in Christmas ornaments.

24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner?
Some years we do a big dinner, some years we don't. Since we have turkey on Thanksgiving, and I don't like ham, if we do a big dinner it usually includes baked whole chicken. Other years we might do lasagna or Mexican (tacos, enchiladas, refried beans) or something simpler.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
My husband. That's my #1 wish for Christmas. I'd also like a really great camera with all the gadgets (I want to take more professional-looking photographs), books, and movies on Blu-Ray.

Marriage

I've posted these before, but with our 15th wedding anniversary coming soon, I wanted to post them again.

"A man has to put his wife before himself."

"The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." -- Pearl S. Buck

"Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited." -- Gloria Steinem

"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing." -- Mignon McLaughlin

"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers." -- Ruth Bell Graham

"We learned how to love each other by loving together good things wholly outside each other." -- Donald Hall

"Any fool can have a trophy wife. It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage." -- Diane Sollee

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." -- Leo Tolstoy

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." -- Theodore Hesburgh

"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences." -- Dave Meurer

"A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel: expensive, but worth it." -- Mignon McLaughlin

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years." -- Simone Signoret

"The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly." -- Peter De Vries

"The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep." -- Alan Patrick Herbert

"Marriage is our society's most pro-child institution. If you want kids to do well, then you want marriage to do well." -- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage." -- Martin Luther King

"A happy wife equals a happy life."

"It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight." -- John Stevenson

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." -- Lord Byron

"The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent and it must be equal." -- Frank Sinatra

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." -- Doug Larson

"Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side." -- Zig Ziglar

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord." -- Proverbs

"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."

What a cold day to be out running errands!

Kelly and I did a lot of running around after I got her from school. (Mom got Sean from his school when he got out.) I could've taken care of a couple things while the kids were at school, but it was literally freezing cold outside and I didn't want to go out in it. It was supposed to get into the low to mid 40s yesterday, but it only got up to about 34° or 35°. Plus there was a breeze. Brrr. So even though I was waiting for the temps to get into the 40s, I ended up having to take care of things with temps in the 30s anyway. :-/

Our first stop was the bank to get money out to pay for the new tags/stickers/whatever that go on the license plates of my car and Charlie's car hauler. They only accept cash and checks at the license plate place, unfortunately. We then went to the license plate place and the line was very short. I was surprised. Usually the line is almost to the door. This time there were only about three or four people ahead of us.

Next was Target for some of the groceries and an anniversary card for my husband. (Our 15th wedding anniversary is the 17th.)

Then I got gas, went to Macy's to get Kelly some tights (the ones I bought her a few weeks ago are too small, despite what the sizing chart said), which they only had one pair of in her size. So then we had to go to the mall to see if I could find her some more tights. I got her one other pair at Dillard's.

From there we went to Food Lion for the rest of the groceries, brought them home and then went to the video store.

Sometime over the summer, one of the guys who works (or worked; I don't think he's there anymore) at Hollywood Video told me about this deal (PowerPlay points) where I can pay a set amount for a certain number of points and then rent however many movies I can get with the number of points I choose. (Hard to explain.) It does save you money, especially if you rent movies often. Well, about a month ago I noticed that nearly $27 had been taken from my checking account by Hollywood Video. Come to find out, they had started automatically taking the money out of my account for the PowerPlay points. I didn't like that at all.

So when Kelly and I went there last night, I had them cancel my PowerPlay points. I still had some leftover points from the time they took money from my account a couple weeks ago and so we rented a couple movies: Julie and Julia, and the latest Harry Potter movie (Kelly wanted it; I'm not sure what the full title is). They told me I still have some points left, so I can get a couple more movies without having to pay since I've already paid.

After leaving the video store, we went to Borders to get a book or two. I didn't have much money, but I can't remember the last time I bought something for myself. Other than food, of course. But where's the fun in that?

I bought myself Willoughby's Return (a sort of sequel to Sense and Sensibility; I read somewhere that it's a good book) and Kelly got one of the Tinker Bell fairy books. There are a few other books I'd like to get (An Echo in the Bone, Cleopatra's Daughter, The Lovely Bones, Slipping into Paradise: Why I Live in New Zealand), whenever I have the money for them.

I may start reading Willoughby's Return soon. The book I started reading recently, Ahab's Wife, is a little weird so far (I'm on chapter 3 or 4) and that's kind of getting on my nerves. (While in hard labor, you find out there's a strange girl between the mattresses you are lying on and then you welcome her under the covers with you, begin rubbing each other's backs to get warm, and then kiss each other on the cheek? Weird.) It's gotten a lot of praise from what I've read, but it just seems weird so far. And the writing style is not like most books I've read. As if things are being left out. Or maybe that's just where the main character is in her mind right now. I don't know. Maybe I'll like it better some other time.

Anyway, it felt good to get into my warm house clothes when we got home. I watched a couple shows online that I had missed Thursday night. (Thanks to the sound issues with our cable box. The lady I talked to over the phone at TWC couldn't help at all. I'll try to get that taken care of on Monday. Which I'll have to do by going down there since there are no phone numbers to call that link me directly to them. All TWC phone numbers listed in the phone book connect you to their national number. *sigh*) I watched Survivor (I wish they'd get rid of Shambo and Russell) and Bones, which had me laughing so hard. I absolutely love that show.

I'll soon be putting Julie and Julia into the Blu-Ray player and watching that. I hope it's as good as I expect it to be.

Christmas Kisses

One of my favorite Christmas commercials ever.

Faint Not

I've written a few times before, with very little detail, about the fact that I have been going through a very hard time for a few months now. Actually since about May. At times it has felt like hell. I have tried my hardest to do what I know is right and to not give up, but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I feel like just letting things happen without a fight. Just give up and what will be will be. (Is anyone singing Que Sera Sera now?) But then the fight rises up in me again. It's a seemingly never-ending see-saw of feeling defeated and then refusing to give up. A short while ago I was talking to God, as I often do, and I told Him through my tears that I was tired of it. Tired of all of my obedience to Him and His Word, and all of my doing the right thing, not paying off. I told Him that it feels pointless to obey and do what's right when it seems like nothing good is coming of it. I keep doing the right thing, even when the wrong thing is done to me time after time, and yet so far things have not turned around or improved. It's frustrating and depressing. Within minutes of this prayer, with tears still in my eyes, this verse popped into my head: "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." -- Galatians 6:9 So according to this scripture, which I believe God gave to me in response to my prayer, if I keep doing what's right and don't give up, then I will reap the harvest of it. When the time is right. When will my season come?

Wanderlust

Things have been pretty quiet around here, other than my kids arguing a couple times a day. Highly annoying. With the weather turning colder (it's cold to us Southerners anyway) and getting rain a couple times a week, we're not getting out much. Today's temperatures are pretty decent for December (it's in the 60s), but the wind we're having is crazy. Tonight is mid-week service though and that's something to look forward to.

So what have I been doing with my time? Well, besides the usual cooking and cleaning, I've been spending a lot of time online. To the point that I'm almost sick of it. But I read two or three books so quickly that I'm not really in a reading mood and I keep forgetting to call the cable company about the sound issues. (When the cable to the TV is plugged in, you can see the channels but you can't hear them. When you unplug the cable to the TV, you can hear the channels but you can't see them. *sigh*) That leaves the internet as my time-filler.

And what have I been doing online? Facebook, watching my favorite shows and reading blogs mostly. Especially expat blogs. It's been my dream for a long time to travel. Mostly to Europe and New Zealand. Since I don't have the money or the time (yet) to make this dream come true, reading expat blogs is the closest I can come to it. I am attempting to live vicariously through these lucky people who have the opportunity to live in another country for a time. Some have been in their country of choice for many years.

I dream of what it would be like to live in New Zealand or Italy or Ireland or some other European country. I know that the reality of it probably wouldn't completely live up to my dreams of it, but since it's just a dream at the moment I will imagine it the way I'd like for it to be. Maybe living in or traveling to another country will happen and maybe it won't. I don't necessarily dream about something with the expectation that it will happen, only with the hope that it will. And sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it's just a form of escape.

Never Would've Made It

I've posted this song here before, but it's on my mind this morning and so I'm posting it again.



Some of the lyrics:

Never would have made it,
Never could have made it without You.
I would have lost it all, but now I see how You were there for me.

I can say, Never would have made it.
Never could have made it without You.
I would have lost it all, but now I see how You were there for me.
And I can say,
I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm better,
Much better.

When I look back over all You brought me through,
I can see that you were the One that I held on to.
And I never,
Never would have made it.
Oh I never could have made it without You.
I would have lost it all, but now I see how You were there for me.

I never,
Never would have made it.
I never,
Never could have made it without You.

I would have lost my mind a long time ago, if it had not been for You.
I'm stronger,
I'm wiser,
Now I'm better.
I'm better.
So much better,
Much better.

I made it through my storm and my test because You were there to carry me through my mess.

I'm stronger.
I'm wiser.
I'm better,
Much better.

I can stand here and tell you, I made it.

Slow Weekend; Coming Events

Friday is our usual grocery shopping day. On this most recent trip, I got the kids each their own Christmas ornament. (At Target, where I get some of our groceries since it's cheaper than Food Lion. Too bad I can't get all my groceries there.) It's something I do for them every year. My mom had gotten off work early that day and picked Sean up from school, so I picked out his ornament for him. I knew he'd want something sports related (Panthers, Tar Heels, Dale Jr., or just a general sports theme) and ended up getting him a Carolina Panthers ornament. Kelly picked out a kitten wearing a Santa hat and playing with an ornament.


After getting groceries and picking up my prescription from CVS, we came on home. We normally eat out on Friday nights (usually something kind of cheap, though hardly ever fast food), but unfortunately I couldn't afford to eat out this time.

Mom brought Sean home an hour or two after Kelly and I got home. Sean immediately wanted to go digging around in the attic for a box of Christian books I have (somewhere up there) that also contains a hymnal. Sean is learning to play the flute at school and when I told him about the song book the night before, he really liked the idea of playing some of the songs. (Including Christmas and patriotic songs.) Unfortunately, he couldn't find the box among the sea of boxes in the attic. I'm hoping my brother can help, if I ever remember to call him about it.

Shortly after my mom went home, I remembered that I also have a big box of board games in the attic. So up Sean went again. (In case anyone's wondering, I don't go into the attic because I'm afraid of heights. Though it's more the coming down than the going up that scares me.) This box, being big and right next to the attic door, was much easier to find.

I had Sean bring down Lord of the Rings Monopoly, Jumanji, Clue, Lord of the Rings DVD Trivial Pursuit, Checkers and Chess. He and Kelly have really been enjoying the games. (I haven't played with them yet, but I probably will.) I have another big box of games in the attic somewhere. It contains Life, Pictionary, regular Monopoly (or that one might be in the first box) and Bible Pictionary.

We had a very cold rain yesterday that was expected to freeze on the roads (mainly bridges and overpasses) overnight, so we won't be going to church this morning. I hate to miss it, but icy roads make me nervous. I slid once, only a short distance, when bringing the kids to school one morning a year or two ago. I got it under control quickly enough, but those few seconds when I didn't have control made me not want to ever slide on ice again. Yikes. So, I'm more than a little unwilling to take my chances.

-------------------------
The Nutcracker Ballet will be performed at War Memorial Auditorium here in Greensboro on December 17th and 19th. I'd like to take Kelly. I think she'd probably love it. I've always wanted to go see it, but I always forget about it in the busy-ness of the season.

I'd also like to take the kids to Castle McCulloch for their Christmas festivities, which run from December 10th through the 23rd.

Sean's school band will be having their winter concert on the evening of December 15th. It's mandatory and counts as 30% of their grade. Sean's nervous about it, but I think he's excited too. I'm nervous and excited for him. I'm not however all that enthusiastic about hearing amateurs trying to play all together and hit all the right notes. lol But I will do it for my son.

Our church will be having a Christmas concert Sunday evening, December 20th. Looking forward to that. Heck, after all the church I've had to miss the past couple weeks (excluding this past Wednesday night) due to sickness, and now icy roads, I look forward to any kind of church service I can make it to.

----------------------------
Well, I apologize if this was boring. It's been a few days since I posted a new blog entry, and that one was just a bunch of quotes (albeit pretty great ones, in my opinion), but nothing all that interesting has happened and I haven't really felt inspired to write anything lately. It happens.


Dying of loneliness.

Love

I think I may have posted some of these before. Some I have not.

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.” -- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Love someone who doesn't deserve it."

"Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." -- Robert Heinlein

“To love is to find pleasure in the happiness of the person loved."

"Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object?" -- Confucius

"The first duty of love is to listen." -- Paul Tillich

"Love is not a matter of counting the years... But making the years count." -- Michelle St. Amand

"You don't love a woman because she's beautiful,
She is beautiful because you love her."

"Trouble is part of your life - if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough." -- Dinah Shore

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." -- Franklin P. Jones

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart." -- Josiah G. Holland

"A simple I love you means more than money." -- Frank Sinatra

"You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it."

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying."

"Soul meets soul on lover's lips." -- Percy Bysshe Shelley

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return." -- Natalie Cole

"Love is a four-letter word spelled T-I-M-E."

"I love you - those three words have my life in them."

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." -- Mother Teresa

"Love is not blind, it sees more not less;
But because it sees more it chooses to see less."

"He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much." -- Bessie Stanley

"No matter what, no matter where, it's always home, if love is there."

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give - which is everything."

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

"Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"A fool in love makes no sense to me. I only think you are a fool if you do not love."

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." -- Barbara Johnson

"To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another." -- G.W. Von Leibnitz

"Love fails, only when we fail to love." -- J. Franklin

"Life without love is like a tree
Without blossom and fruit." -- Kahlil Gibran

Motherhood and Guilt

I started feeling unwell a couple days before Thanksgiving, but being a mom and also having to cook Thanksgiving dinner (and not having my husband around to help me), I wasn't able to rest as much as I needed to.

By Sunday I was completely wiped out. I had absolutely no energy and ended up staying in bed for a good part of the day. I did get up from time to time to check on things, but most of my time was spent in bed until late afternoon.

Like many moms, I was filled with guilt for being in bed when I "should" have been up conquering the world. :-/

*sigh*

Why can't we take care of ourselves, which sometimes means staying in bed for a day, without feeling guilty? Why do we think we don't deserve it or that we should be able to do all that needs to be done without taking a long rest for ourselves?

Our husbands and children can stay in bed all day and night when they're sick and they don't feel bad about that at all (though my husband probably would, if he ever took a sick day, because he hates lying around doing nothing), and neither do we. It's perfectly understandable and expected for them to rest and do nothing for as long as necessary until they're well again. But for some reason we can't allow ourselves that same necessary rest without feeling guilty. As if by allowing our bodies to recuperate we're somehow failing as a wife or mother while we're snuggled up in our beds.

Though being snuggled up in your bed doesn't always mean that you're actually comfortable. Not if your head feels like it's about to explode or your body is aching.

So while I was lying in bed most of the day, sleeping off and on, I couldn't help but think of the things I "should've" been doing instead of resting my sick, weary body. Cooking, cleaning, watching the kids (though I did check on them every hour or so), and going to church. I especially hated to miss church. But I'm not SuperMom. I'm just a regular, flawed, weak little woman who can only do so much. If I can't look past my faults, I hope my family can. I hope that they don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

We are our own worst critics, aren't we? Especially those of us who are mothers. We love our kids so much, and our husbands, that we don't want to fail them in any way. And so we sometimes push ourselves too far. I had done all I could do while I was sick until my body said, "Enough!", and forced me to take a day of rest. I literally had no energy and felt like my legs were going to collapse underneath me.

My energy didn't fully return, or mostly return anyway, until yesterday. I was finally able to get some things done that really needed doing. And I also made a delicious beef stew. :-)

And best of all, I get to go to church tonight. The weather is yucky (chilly rain), but I don't care. I need to go. I've really missed it these past couple weeks while Kelly and I have been sick. Sean has been the lucky one and not gotten sick. Which is unusual because he usually gets sick right along with us.

Anyway, I suppose if we didn't listen to our bodies and rest when we needed to we might end up in the hospital. Resting at home and letting things sit for a day or two is better than wearing ourselves down so much, trying to keep everything in order and get everything done while being sick, that we need medical attention.

I also deal with guilt when it comes to buying things. What I mean is, my funds have been cut and so I have to be choosy when it comes to what necessities I can afford each week. "Do I get Sean a couple shirts for school or do I get Kelly a coat?" (Or whatever the choice may be for any particular week.) I feel bad not being able to get my kids all they need and for choosing the need of one over the need of the other. (Then choosing the other the following week).

And then I feel bad when I think about my own needs. There are things I need that I've been putting off while getting my kids what they need and then I feel guilty when I think about how much I need the things I need. Not that I would rather buy things for myself. It's just that I feel guilty for just thinking about what I need, even though I'm not buying things for myself, when I'm still trying to get my kids what they need.

Was that clear?

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Now there's one aspect of motherhood I'd rather not be familiar with. Because when you look at these situations logically, there's really no reason to feel guilty. But we do. And that's just another "hazard of the job". :-/