My mom had her surgery on Thursday, April 25th. It took about 5 hours and she had to stay overnight. The doctor removed her cervix, uterus, ovaries and pelvic lymph nodes. The lymph nodes were sent to a lab to check for cancer. Mom should be getting the results back later this week or sometime next week.
Mom is, of course, a little sore, but otherwise doing fine. She's moving around better and feeling better each day. She was unable to attend church on Sunday, which she really hated, but she'll be going to church tomorrow night. She'll be going back to work in 2-4 weeks.
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Charlie was home from Oklahoma for a couple weeks, but had to go back early yesterday morning. We had to be out of here before 6:00 AM (ugh) to bring him to the airport so that he could catch a 7:00 AM flight. I hope he won't have to be gone as long this time.
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Church this past Sunday was beyond awesome. God moved in so strongly. We prayed for hours. Several of our single adults stayed and prayed for 12½ hours. Wow! We're excited about what God is doing.
These are the songs we sang that ushered in God's presence (pause the music at the bottom of your screen first):
Sean is sick and will miss school today. Hopefully his sickness will be gone very soon. He's already missed too much school.
Kelly cleaned her room, including vacuuming, without being told. She then dusted the furniture in the living room and tried to straighten up my somewhat messy desk. Wonder what's got into her.
I thought she was sleeping good earlier tonight when I heard her quickly get out of her bed and practically run into the bathroom. She had lost a tooth. Gotta check my wallet and see if I have any money to leave under her pillow.
Every night when Kelly goes to bed, she plays a classical music CD or Irish instrumental CD. The rest of us need a fan to sleep. Kelly likes soothing music.
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I wrote this at Facebook:
"Before you think that you don't need someone in your life, maybe you should stop and think that they might need you in theirs."
Maybe you think they're too different or weird or that you don't have anything in common. Maybe their background isn't the same as yours. Maybe you think they're too rich or too poor or that they're not cool or hip enough or stylish enough. But give them a chance.
God often uses circumstances or people we didn't expect Him to use to bless us or to teach us or to meet a need that we have or to answer a prayer. He could be using this person to do that for you or using you to do these things for them.
How many times have we asked God to use us to be a testimony or blessing for others or to use us for His kingdom? It may be that God wants to meet someone else's need through you or meet your need through them. Don't brush them off. Don't ignore their desire to talk to you on the phone sometime or to go out to lunch or to come by their or your house to spend time together.
I'm not saying you have to hang out with every person who expresses an interest to do so. Just don't immediately decide that you're not going to have anything to do with someone just because they're different or not what you were expecting. Open your heart to God's will, seek His wisdom and you might be pleasantly surprised by what He does, how He does it and who He does it through.
I've been a dreamer all my life. I can still remember being awake in my bed late at night when I was a little girl and dreaming about going to Toys R Us and filling cart after cart with all the toys I wanted. Mostly Barbie stuff.
I no longer dream about shopping sprees at Toys R Us. My dreams these days are more adult and some are of a spiritual nature.
Other than my spiritual dreams, I don't really expect my dreams to come true. By that I mean that I don't demand it. I don't tell God to make my non-spiritual dreams come true and I don't make demands on my husband to make them happen either. And yet I sometimes feel like maybe Charlie feels pressured by my dreams. I'm really not sure why. I don't share my dreams with him often and I make no statements that would suggest that I expect him to make those dreams come true. Yet he's said things in the past about my wanting things we can't afford. I scratch my head and try to explain to him that I'm only dreaming and have never expected nor demanded that he do something about it.
For instance, I would love for us to have a bigger home. Something with four bedrooms (one of them would be for our library), a den, a fenced-in backyard, the 3-car garage Charlie wants. But this dream house, while larger than what we currently have, is not a mansion by any means, though he seems to think that I want some huge, expensive house. I would even be okay with this dream home needing some paint and updating. I try not to be too picky. I've shared this dream with Charlie a few times, but have made no demands and never said that I want anything huge or fancy. I'm really not the fancy type.
Another dream I have is to go to New Zealand and several European countries. Again, I haven't demanded it. In fact, if I ever get to visit another country I will be surprised.
Charlie hasn't really said anything about that dream, but I've gotten the impression a few times that for some reason he thinks that I expect him to make my dreams come true even though I've never said that I do. I've simply told him what my dreams are in life. Dreams and expectations are two different things.
I really don't know why he interprets my dreams as expectations. All I expect from him are the things that most wives expect of their husbands and the things that God's Word requires of husbands. Anything else really are just lovely little extras.
I've placed my dreams in God's hands. He's in control and if it's His will for whatever I dream to come to pass, it will happen. If not, I'm okay with that. As long as I have what truly counts in life - God, church, my husband, my kids, the basics of life, health, etc. - then that's all that truly matters.
It's my spiritual dreams that matter most to me. Spiritual dreams for myself, my husband, my kids and my church. These are the dreams I most desire to see come true. Dreams that are much more than dreams. They are, I believe, also necessary for our lives and for eternity. These dreams I do expect to come true and I will not be satisfied until they do. I pray daily that God will make these things happen and I have faith that they will. I can't imagine God not bringing these things to pass. Because He loves me and my family and because what I'm dreaming of and asking God for are supported by His Word.
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"No person has the right to rain on your dreams." -- Martin Luther King
"If you can dream it, you can do it." -- Walt Disney
"All men who have achieved great things have been great dreamers." -- Orison Swett Marde
"There's no excuse not to dream."
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” -- Henry David Thoreau
I have a love-hate relationship with lazy days. They start off feeling so good. No pressure to get this or that done. Of course, this is only true if the house isn't in complete disarray. After a few hours though and I'm no longer enjoying my day of doing nothing as much I was in the beginning of my day. It's good to take the day off once or twice a week. I'm a firm believer in the body's need for relaxation and recuperation. I relish in it when I can. But, as I said, the feeling is short-lived. Suddenly the feeling of relaxation changes and I feel a bit stressed. "My goodness! I've done nothing!" *sigh*
The kids didn't have school today because of forecasted snow and ice, which didn't begin until after school normally lets out for the day. On days such as this, when the kids are home, it's easier to be lazy. Sometimes even when the house is in complete disarray. Unless it's a Saturday. Saturday is when I do most of the cleaning and laundry.
So now it's late in the evening and I've done pretty much nothing. I hadn't been online since late Saturday night, so I spent a good chunk of time today catching up with friends and family at Facebook and reading my favorite blogs.
In my defense, I haven't felt well since last night. Normally that wouldn't stop me, but the headache I've had since last night encouraged my laziness today.
Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow and can actually get something done around here.
As for the kids, no school again tomorrow. Since frozen precipitation finally began falling in the afternoon, it's been a mix of snow and sleet. Currently the precipitation outside our door is of the sleet/freezing rain variety. Roads are too dangerous to be out on.
I'll be so glad when winter is gone and temperatures are in the 70s again.
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I wanted to add in that I really enjoyed my pastor's message yesterday. He preached from Isaiah 41:14-16 and Psalm 22:1-6.
"I'd rather be a worm with God than a giant without Him."
I'd rather be a worm with God than someone big and tough and important without Him. I rely on God. The giant relies on himself and doesn't come close to being as happy or succesful (which can be more than wealth or job performance) or victorious as the one, the worm, who relies on God and allows God to fight his battles and allows God to use him according to His will. God's blessings are always greater than whatever a life without God can do for a person.
That's not to say that the one who relies on God is a worm. Relying on God doesn't make you a worm. What makes you a worm is that you are lowly and sinful and nothing without Him. It's about recognizing who and what you really are without God. By relying on God and living for Him, you can become something great and beautiful in Him. You can go from crawling on the ground to soaring like an eagle. If we humble ourselves, He will lift us up.
My complaining continued this morning. "It's not fair!" And then I felt like God impressed upon me something that's been told to me about three times already. Making this the fourth time. "It's not about you." Only this time I understand just what that means. I am the right one to deal with this specific situation and to handle it correctly.
Any other person who could've possibly been in my exact shoes, figuratively speaking, in this life that I've been living, would've done what almost everyone else in the world does in the kind of situation I'm in. I haven't because I've wanted to do things God's way, according to His Word. But there's more to it than that from God's view of things.
He sees the bigger picture and the conclusion of it. To know that He chose me for this circumstance because He believes I won't "run away" and that I will do things according to His Word has really helped my attitude. Something He's been wanting to change all along. He believes in me. It feels good to know that.
"Beyond the veil is where I see Your glory."
"I hear You say, 'Come closer. Step into this holy place.' ... Now I'm standing in Your presence face to face. Beyond the veil."
I've had some good days. I've had some hills to climb. I've had some weary days And some lonely nights.
But when I look around And I think things over, All of my good days Outweigh my bad days. I won't complain.
Sometimes the clouds hang low, I can hardly see the road. I ask a question, Lord. Lord, why so much pain? But He knows what's best for me, Although my weary eyes They can't see. So I'll just say thank you Lord. I won't complain.
The Lord has been so good to me. He's been good to me. More than this old world or you could ever be. He's been so good to me.
He dried all of my tears away. Turned my midnights into day. So I'll just say thank you Lord.
I've been lied on, but thank you Lord. I've been talked about, but thank you Lord. I've been misunderstood, but thank you Lord. You might be sick, body racking with pain, But thank you Lord.
The bills are due, Don't know where the money coming from, But thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. I won't, I won't complain.
God has been so good to me. He's been good to me. More than this old world or you could ever be. He's been so good. He's been so good. He's been so good. So good. So good. So good. So good to me. He dried all of my tears away. Turned my midnight into day. So I'll just say thank you Lord.
I tried to pray last night, but it became more of a talk than a prayer. At one point I just stopped because there I was praying about the same situation for the millionth time (or so it seems) and I didn't want to pray about it again. I said to God, "I'm sick of it. I'm sick of praying about the same thing and worrying about the same thing and dealing with the same problem. I'm sick to death of it! Why can't You just go ahead and fix this so that I can pray about something else?"
I know that I should pray about other things and for other people, but as I told God, I don't even want to. Even though I'm sick of praying about the same problem, nothing else matters to me more than this situation. Nothing. There are a couple things that matter to me just as much, but nothing that matters more. And I'm sick of that. I don't even know how to explain that. But nothing is as important to me. Nothing weighs on me as much.
I wish that this situation I'm in would finally be resolved so that I can finally wake up one day and not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. To wake up carefree. Carefree. I'm not sure I even remember what that feels like. I believe that one day it will come, but I don't know when. It's like a dream. I try to imagine what it will be like when that day comes and it doesn't seem real. Sometimes it feels like the possibility of waking up and breathing easily is just as likely to happen as waking up and finding myself in a fantasy land of Elves and Hobbits.
My so-called prayer time last night turned into more of a complaint session than anything. I hated what I was feeling and what I was saying. I hated my attitude.
All my life people have told me that I have a "sweet spirit". That I'm such a "sweet person", such a "good person", so gentle and kind. I feel like this emotional hell that I've been through has killed or at least seriously wounded that sweetness, that pureness, that innocence that I once had. It has done great damage to the trust I once had. I want it back, but I don't know if I ever will get it back.
When talking to God last night, I tried to come up with an example. I don't know if it's a good one, but it's what first came to mind.
Imagine a sweet, innocent, pure, naive child. She is happily walking and skipping and twirling through a field of wildflowers. She has no concept of the evils of this world. She's never been exposed to the horrible things that others are capable of. Then she comes over a hill and is met with things she never imagined existed - a parent viciously abusing a child, a husband or wife shattering the heart of their spouse and walking out on them and their children, the atrocities of the Holocaust, or any other evil of this world. Innocence is gone. Trust is gone. The feelings of safety and security are gone.
That's how I feel. And I want it back. The innocence, the trust, feeling safe and secure. I want it all back.
Now, compared to this time last year, I'm doing much better. But I often wish I could go back to the time before hell was unleashed upon my life and just be happily skipping through life, oblivious to the evils that might want to attack me.
I made it through a childhood with an abusive father (though he never laid a hand on me) virtually unscathed, all glory going to God. Even after all I saw and heard growing up, I still somehow managed to maintain my sweetness and innocence and trust. But what I've been going through since last summer has done the damage that many years with an abusive father couldn't do. Damaged trust, lost innocence, feeling afraid and worried and angry.
And I'm sick of it. I want back what was taken from me. All of it!
I know I started off this entry with a song about not complaining and being thankful to God and so far what I've written doesn't sound very thankful. lol But I'm hoping that God will help my attitude and that I can learn to be thankful. Or as Paul put it, to be content in whatever state I'm in.
Wow, that's hard. To be going through hell and still be thankful.
Even as I was complaining to God last night rather than truly praying, and in the midst of my bad attitude, I asked God to forgive me for my bad attitude and help me to have a better attitude. To "create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me". To change my heart and my attitude.
I wrote sometime back, a few weeks ago maybe, how that I felt like God impressed upon me that He wasn't going to do what I've been needing Him to do until I get my heart and my attitude right because I wouldn't be ready for it until then. So I prayed that God would help me with that and I was hoping that things were improving within me. And then last night came and that ol' ugly attitude showed up. Arrggh! *sigh*
To me, it feels like time is of the essence. I don't see how that I have all the time in the world for things to get worked out. So I get very impatient. But my impatience doesn't do anything to speed things along. :-/
I really hope and pray that things will finally start to improve inside of me and with the situation I'm in. I've had enough. Not that that seems to matter. :-/
Well, I've run on enough. I need to get in the bed now.
This entry is focused completely on God. If that's not your "thing" or you don't like it, I make no apologies. I'm sure you know how to use your back button. ;-) But I hope you will stick around to read this and listen to the songs or that you will return. I write more in my blog about God, the Bible and church than I did last year or in years past, but that's because I have more of God in my life now than I did then. So naturally my blog reflects that. But, as those of you who are regulars here know, I write about other things as well. :-)
Kelly is still running a fever, which means we're not going to church this morning. So I listened to a couple great worship songs and watched a preaching video online. It's not the same as going to church, but it's certainly better than nothing. I felt God and was encouraged.
The message I listened to was about being mighty in the Lord and doing whatever it takes to make it and to get the victory. (II Samuel 23:20) It comes when you can fight your hardest battle in the worst circumstances you've ever been in against the toughest enemy you've ever had to face and not back down. You keep the faith, you stand firm on the Word of God. You keep praying, keep worshipping, keep believing, keep going to church, keep living right. You refuse to give up.
It was as if the preacher was talking about me. The battle/situation I've been in for over a year now is the hardest and the worst of my life. I'm fighting the toughest enemy I've ever had to fight. I nearly gave up in the beginning in every way a person can give up, but I held on. I grew closer to God and He gave me peace and strength. And though the battle isn't over, I know that victory is going to come as well. I refuse to give up.
The preacher told the story of a woman in his church (he didn't name her) who is faithful to the Lord and to church. Her husband doesn't serve God and gives her a very hard time. One night after she got home from church, he was cussing, saying he hates God and hates the church. He kicked her out because she went to church. The next church service, she was there in church worshipping God.
Those in hard financial situations, single mothers, men and women whose spouses don't go to church with them, those who are sick and need a healing. Don't give up, don't back down, don't walk away from God. Keep serving God. He will make a way.
This song brings me to tears. I can't help but worship God when I hear it.
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More from Proverbs:
13:5, 7, 10 "A righteous man hateth lying: but a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame. ... 7 There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches. ... 10 Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom."
13:12-13 "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. 13 Whoso despiseth the word shall be destroyed: but he that feareth the commandment shall be rewarded."
13:15, 20-21 "Good understanding giveth favour: but the way of transgressors [false; unfaithful] is hard. ... 20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed [broken]. 21 Evil pursueth sinners: but to the righteous good shall be repaid."
I haven't written about my situation (which I've always done with as little detail as possible) in I don't know how long. Things are still pretty much the same as they have been. I've continued to pray and wait and pray and wait. And pray and wait some more. I've prayed that God would fix things and make things right and "do something already!"
Then a couple days ago I felt like God impressed upon me that He has some more work He wants to do on me before He does the work that needs to be done in that other area of my life. That if He went ahead and did what I'm wanting and needing Him to do in that situation that I won't be ready for it. Regardless of how desperately I want it. I need to get my heart and attitude right first. I'm a lot further along in this process than I was this time last year.
Oh, this time last year was the darkest of my life. Not just sad, depressing dark. But also scary dark. As in, if Mama knew about it she would've freaked out, told me I was stupid and then probably cried herself to sleep every night for a while and laid prostrate on the floor crying out to God. But thank God He brought me out of that dark time.
I still have my sad days, but I haven't actually cried in months. Oh, I've felt like crying and have even wanted to cry, but the tears won't come.
I feel certain that things are going to become as they should be. As soon as I become as I should be and reach the point where I'm ready for it.
My husband shared some news with me that has him worried. It's not that something has happened, but that it could. I'm not going to pretend that it's not a little scary because it is. But at the same time I know that God is in control. I've placed it in His hands and I know that He will work it out. I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to and that while it looks bad and feels a little scary, it could be a good thing in the end.
If Charlie reads this I know he will be thinking, "How could this possibly end up being a good thing?" I'll tell you how. God can bring something better for our family to replace what might be lost. And when I look at what he's afraid of losing it's not something I would mourn the loss of. It's been a hindrance in our life, not just a help. And the hindrance, which has been spiritual and emotional, outweighs the help, in my opinion.
When I look past the initial scariness of what might happen, I see great possibility. I see how that God can use what might happen to turn things around. All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. My God shall supply all my need according to His riches in glory. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things [things we need] shall be added unto you.
When God closes one door, He always opens another. And many times He leads you through that new door to a better life and better opportunities and greater blessings. Blessings that aren't just material, but more importantly, spiritual. Don't mourn the closing of the first door. Open your eyes and look for the other door God is opening and rejoice!
Whew! I just encouraged myself. Just like David. I mentioned in my previous entry that I've been reading Psalms. As I was reading the other night I said, as if I were talking to David (pardon the bit of crazy), "I'm with you, David. I know how you feel. I'm there right now." Me and David, we seem to have a lot in common. Except for the whole adultery thing and having your lover's spouse killed.
Anyway, as I was cleaning the kitchen earlier, after Charlie's news, I was listening to a Fred Hammond CD and talking to God. This song came on and blessed me.
Just as I was about to close this entry, another song came to mind.
My life is in His hands. I can't think of a safer place to be.
I don't get many men reading my blog. My husband once in awhile. There could be others I'm not aware of. This is for the men. It's from T.D. Jakes music CD - He-Motions.
Chapter 7: Inspired by the He-Motions Book
"Statistics say that they [men] are three times more likely to commit suicide in the middle of their lives. 40s, 50s. Three times more likely. They get right about that age and quit.
"When I was pastoring in West Virginia, one of my sons there, sons in the gospel, came home and opened up the door to his house (he and his father stayed together), he walked into the house and it smelled funny. He flicked the light on. There was red stuff all over the wall - it was blood. It had hunks of stuff in it - it was brain. His father had stuck a pistol in his mouth and blown his brains out. And his son found his father dead.
"I never will forget how that man screamed at that funeral. They couldn't even open up the casket. And I was too young to understand that he wasn't just screaming for the death of his father. His father pulled the trigger, but it blew the son's brains out too. Because what you do to yourself does effect everybody who loves you.
" ' How could he quit with me loving him? Did he know that I cared about him? '
"And though my father didn't kill himself, I did relate to it as I preached the funeral and bit my lip trying not to scream. Because when anything like that happens to you you say, ' Don't die yet. Tell me who I am. Lay your hands on me and tell me who I am. I need you to stay here. Tell me, did you love Mama? How did y'all stay together? Were you happy? Hey Daddy, did you ever cheat on Mama? If so, why? Daddy, were you happy? And if you weren't happy, how did you get the strength to get out of the bed every morning? '
"See, I used to think that a boy needs his father, but a man does too."
It Doesn't Matter
Verse I:
You been on a long and rocky road. Had times you felt cheated To have to bear this load. While others who would barely even try Would spread their wings like eagles And soar into the sky.
Chorus:
It doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter where you've been. It doesn't matter what you've done. Jesus is softly calling. But because of who He is And because of where He's been, Because of what He's done You can start all over again.
Verse II:
This guilty burden you have had to bear Has made your life weary, Though others aren't aware. But the mountains of mistakes You've tried to hide With a smile on your face And a broken heart inside.
Chorus:
It doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter where you've been. It doesn't matter what you've done. Jesus is softly calling. But because of who He is And because of where He's been, Because of what He's done You can start all over again. [Repeat]
You can start all over. You can start all over again.
"Your tomorrow begins today. Start over again. Your weeping may endure for a night, had a long night, had to wrestle, had to fight. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. It's morning. Start over again.
"Tell the devil, ' I'm back! Got my courage back. ' Tell your woman, tell your son, your daughter too, ' Daddy's back. '
"Clark Kent back to Superman. ' Got my fight back! ' Superman, get back up again! You can do it. On your mark, get set, go! Go!"
Something very unexpected happened yesterday. It scared me so bad that I didn't scream.
I had just pushed the waffles down in the toaster and was walking back through the kitchen towards the living room when suddenly the glass globe (it's thick, white glass) that covers the kitchen light came crashing down behind me. If I had been a second slower, it would've landed on my head.
The light was similar to this one. Perhaps a little bigger. [Image found at the Lowe's website.]
The globe shattered into thousands of pieces. There was glass, ranging in size from big chunks to little glittery pieces, all over the kitchen, dining room and living room floors, as well as on the counters, the sink, the stove and our pets' water bowl. Some of the glass hit my legs and my feet, causing two small cuts on my right foot - one on the top of my foot and one on the bottom. The cut on the bottom of my foot didn't want to stop bleeding. Some of the blood dripped onto my flip flop. It didn't look big enough to be so difficult to control, but whenever I'd remove the tissue (I started off with a paper towel), the blood would begin flowing again. I told one of my kids (who thankfully were not hurt) to bring me a band-aid to cover the cut so that I could sweep and vacuum without getting blood everywhere.
I've never had so much to sweep up before. You couldn't move an inch in the kitchen without stepping on glass. I'm glad I wasn't barefooted.
After sweeping up everything I could and picking up pieces of glass from the living room carpet, I dumped it in an empty cat food bag (a regular grocery bag or trash bag would've been torn by the glass) and then vacuumed. The funny thing was, I had just vacuumed the house and put the vacuum away before fixing my waffles and now I was having to vacuum again. When I picked up the vacuum (Kelly had brought it to me) and brought it around to the kitchen floor, I accidentally set it down on the middle toe of my left foot. Gosh, that hurt! And then when I was vacuuming, a tiny piece of glass jabbed me in the bottom of my right foot (apparently it had ended up there when the globe shattered) and I had to use tweezers to get it out.
It was not a good start to my day. But things improved after that. We went to ladies Bible study yesterday evening (I had both kids with me since Mom was working) and enjoyed our time there. Last night's lesson was shorter than previous lessons. We were done before 9:00. I usually don't get home from Bible study until around 10:30.
Oh, and the reason the globe fell is that my brother had come by Sunday and changed a light bulb for me. (There are two light bulbs in the kitchen light fixture.) It's one of those fixtures that is held in place by three screws that don't actually screw into it, but just screw up against it. It's a design I've never trusted to be secure. I guess the screws weren't tight enough or something and gravity did its thing. The ceiling in our kitchen is high and sloped/angled. The height from which the globe fell is about 7-8 feet high. I think the height and the angle may have played a part in how far the glass flew when it shattered.
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This song came on the radio last night while the kids and I were in the car after leaving the Bible study. It's one I have on CD, but haven't listened to in months. I needed to hear this song.
There is a need we have that must be met this week. I've been concerned that it won't be. As I sat here Sunday night with a lump in my throat, worrying, this scripture popped into my mind:
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19
I immediately realized that I wasn't trusting God. That's what worry is. I haven't worried about things in months, since God gave me peace. And here I was worrying. Worrying to the point that I was on the verge of tears. God had to remind me again, as He has over and over and over, that He will take care of me.
There's a place of business I pass by a couple times a week. They always have neat sayings and quotes on their sign. The one I saw today made me say "Wow. I have to share that on Facebook and write about it on my blog."
"If the grass looks greener on the other side, fertilize yours."
How true is that? So many people think their lives would be better if they did this or did that or if they left their husband or their wife or if they moved somewhere else. Or whatever. But things usually don't turn out as great as they expected they would.
Instead of looking at how green the grass appears to be somewhere else, take care of the grass where you are. Plant the seeds, fertilize it, water it, tend to it.
Do you want a better life, a better marriage*, a better home life? Don't walk away. Work on what you already have.
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There's a song I've heard many times on the radio. But when I heard it a couple days ago, it really spoke to me.
"And for your faithfulness, it's your time."
I've wondered many times when things were going to turn around for my life. I even asked God a few times, "When is it my time to be blessed and to have the miracles I need?"
I see those who are being blessed in such beautiful ways and I don't wish that it was me instead of them. I'm just hoping that my time for beautiful blessings will be here soon. It can be exhausting holding on and waiting day after day, month after month.
But I feel like the blessings and the miracles I and my family need will be here soon. I'm trusting God for it.
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Kelly and I went to a wedding today. (Sean was with my mom, swimming at the pool at my brother's apartment complex.) I've known the groom, who is now 26, since he was about 5 or 6. It kind of makes you feel old. lol It was a beautiful wedding. I loved the bridesmaids' dresses - black with red sashes/bows around their waists. The bride had a little red in her dress and red trim around her veil. I got a little misty-eyed and choked up a few times, as I always do at weddings. Kelly commented that weddings are the happiest times. I told her that yes they are, and so are babies being born.
*Of course, it's perfectly understandable when a person leaves an abusive or adulterous spouse. I'm not suggesting that one should stay in a situation like that.
Ladies Bible study Monday night was very good. We talked about loving our enemies and how we should treat them.
It can be hard to be good to someone, help them and give them things they need when they've hurt you or insulted you or broken your heart or mistreated you. But because God is love and He wants us to love others the way He does, we also have to love everyone. The Bible says that if we don't love our enemies and do good to them, then we are not God's children and we don't even know Him. The Bible also says that this is how others will know we are His disciples, if we love each other.
Matthew 5:43-48 Luke 6:27-38 John 14:34-35 Romans 12:14, 17-21 Colossians 3:14 I John 4:7-8
Believe me, I know how it feels to be hurt and mistreated by someone. We all do. But if you love them and do good to them, it can turn things around in their life and God will reward you. His promises are true.
At the Bible study, I brought up the scriptures that say that vengeance is the Lord's, He will repay, and that when people do you wrong, they will reap what they've sown. But then I said that I don't think we should take pleasure in that. We shouldn't stand there rubbing our hands together with a grin on our faces and say, "Oh, I can't wait 'til they get what's coming to them!" That's the wrong attitude to have. That's not love. It's understandable to want the person who's treated you badly to "get what's coming to them". I know. I get it. I've been there. But just because it's understandable doesn't make it right. We should pray for them to do what's right so that they're spared what they "deserve".
We then read this scripture: "Rejoice not when thy enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: "Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath from him." Proverbs 24:17-18
It has been my prayer that the person in my life who's hurt me will finally do what's right. I show this person love. I help them when they need it. I am good and patient with them. I talk sweetly and kindly to them. Eventually, this will have a positive effect and things will turn around. I believe it. And I pray everyday that this person will listen to God and do what He is wanting them to do. I believe it will happen.
I've been listening to Kirk Franklin's Fight of My Life CD a lot lately while I'm driving my car. One of the songs that I wasn't crazy about the first couple times I heard it has grown on me. It's called "I Like Me".
"God likes me. You don't like me?"
This reminds me of something I saw recently. I think at Facebook. "You may not like me, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for." :-) And also, "I'm not perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for."
After going to La Hacienda yesterday evening (which was quite yummy), my mom brought the kids to her house and I went to the women's Bible study. We learned and talked about loving others. I shared with them how that since I've started praying more and have grown closer to God, my love for a certain person has actually grown in spite of the fact that they've been mean and rude to me, to say the least. The more we love God, the more we love others.
Jesus said that the first commandment is to love God and the second is to love others. When you get those two, the rest of the commandments come much easier. When you have the love of God in you, you're going to treat others right. You're not going to falsely accuse them. You're not going to lie to them. You're not going to cheat them. You're not going to gossip about them. You're not going to intentionally insult them or hurt their feelings. You will love them, you will pray for them, you will forgive them when they do you wrong, you will help them when you see they have a need and you will do good to them. Even if they're your enemy.
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I've been a little busy today, but not too much. I took the dog out and fed the animals, made my bed pretty, spent time in prayer, swept and mopped the master bathroom and got laundry started. I need to get that finished. There's not a lot of it to do today. Later, I'll be making spaghetti for supper and I also need to vacuum the house.
Well, there's a storm approaching, so I need to get off this computer. Y'all have a blessed Tuesday.
I've avoided going into detail about the situation I've been in for the past year. I plan on keeping it that way. Today wasn't a good day as far as that situation goes. If I said more y'all would certainly agree with me that it was all wrong and just shocking.
But, all things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I believe that God is going to work things out and that good can come from this bad day. I am not afraid of what the future holds because God is already there and it's in His hands.
If anyone reading this believes in prayer, pray that God turns things around.
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We've got church tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. And not just because we're having a special speaker who is also a great singer.
Y'all have sweet dreams tonight and a beautiful Sunday.
. When I had posted my last entry on Thursday, it was around 3:00 and I had done quite a bit of work around the house. I did quite a bit more after that, including making an awesome (even if I do say so myself) beef stroganoff for supper. It was a very busy day for me and I was on my feet a lot.
Yesterday was grocery shopping and I also needed to get a new church dress for Kelly. (I had gotten Sean a t-shirt and a pair of shorts last week.) Sean hates shopping, so he went to my mom's since she was off.
After going to Target and then getting gas, Kelly and I went to Macy's to find her a dress for church. I got a great deal on a very pretty dress for her. It was originally $70 marked down to $10. The dress is a light shade of pink (not baby pink) with widely-spaced vertical black piping going down the length of the skirt of the dress, black floral print and a black satin sash around the waist. The hem has a couple small ruffles. I couldn't find a picture of the dress online. I may take a picture and post it here at another time.
We then dropped some things off at Goodwill (most of it shirts that are too small for Sean) and then went to Sears where I got Kelly some pretty black dress shoes for a decent price. The ones she had are too small.
By this time we were both very hungry. She had a headache from the hunger and I was feeling a little weak. Chick-fil-A is in the same area of Friendly Center as Sears and after seeing (and taking) the poll at the Marriage Confessions blog, I was craving it. I hadn't eaten at Chick-fil-A in a couple years because the sodium in their food always makes my heart race, but I had to have it. Kelly and I both got a plain chicken sandwich, waffle fries and water. It was delicious! I prayed that my heart wouldn't race and it didn't. Thank God.
We went to Food Lion next and after coming home and putting the groceries away, we went to Baskin Robbins at the mall for ice cream. I got one scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough in a cup and Kelly got two scoops of the same in a cup.
Mom wanted us to come by her place for a bit, so we did after finishing our ice cream. We hung out there for about an hour or so before finally coming home at nearly 10:00 PM.
After two days of being on my feet, my legs are tired. I'm not doing anything today. Other than bringing Sean to a birthday party.
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Oh, I nearly forgot. The situation I mentioned in my previous entry - nothing happened. Today ended up being fun and peaceful. But I have no fear about "the situation" if and when things finally do happen. God has given me peace, strength and courage. I feel and believe that God is working on things. It's in His hands, so how can I be afraid? Ooh, that reminds me of a scripture.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
It's been a busy day for me so far. I've dusted furniture, cleaned up dog pee (grr!), stripped my bed and put fresh bedding on it. I've done laundry (more to go) and folded and put away clothes and towels. I finally sat down about an hour ago to eat and get online. I'll be doing more laundry soon and I should probably vacuum.
I'm being careful about how I move and bend over today. My right ovary has been hurting for a couple days now. It feels like someone's pinching it or digging their nails into it. I especially hate it when the pain spreads to my hip bones. I had a few surprising twinges of pain while in bed last night, which made turning over slow-going. *sigh* I wish this PCOS would go away and never come back.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I have to go back to the doctor next Wednesday. He wants to take me off birth control pills (which I take for PCOS) and try another form of contraceptive. He said that birth control pills and Lipitor together could damage my liver. He may also put me on Metformin for my PCOS.
Still praying for a miracle and/or intervention from God tomorrow. Things could get ugly if He doesn't step in. Though when I imagine things playing out the way I don't want them to, I can see how it could ultimately have a positive effect. I'd just hate for there to be tears, even if good can come of it, if it can be at all avoided. I'd rather good things happen without the tears if possible.
Well, back to the laundry. And then in a few hours, I'll be making beef stroganoff for supper.
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"Change always comes bearing gifts." -- Price Pritchett
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." -- Ambrose Redmoon
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Anne Radmacher
"Tears are the silent language of grief." -- Voltaire, A Philosophical Dictionary
We've got church tonight. I'm looking forward to it. The time I've spent going to church and Bible study, listening to gospel music (especially the CD my mom bought me on Monday - Tye Tribbett and G.A. Victory Live) and praying has really helped to build my faith and make me stronger. I need a miracle this week for my family. I'm hoping for it by Friday afternoon. But of course, it's in His hands and He knows things I don't. I have to trust Him.
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And now some quotes I found recently.
"Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene." -- Arthur Christopher Benson
"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." -- Hugh Downs
"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus, Lyrical and Critical Essays
"True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive." -- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
"One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time." -- Lady Astor
"Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune." -- Giuseppe Garibaldi
"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts." -- Samuel Johnson [Amen!]
"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same." -- Francesca Reigler
. Maybe some of y'all don't believe in hearing from God or getting much-needed messages from Him when you need them most, but I do.
I posted this in my status at Facebook:
"Went to the doctor today. They did the usual tests and ultrasounds. Took 6 vials of blood. [I jokingly asked, "Are you going to save any for me?"] Have to wait on the results of that and another test. The ultrasounds (no, I'm not pregnant) looked okay. [In other words, the cysts have remained the same. They haven't gotten larger or suspicious-looking.] I never like going to the doctor, it's always painful, but I believe God spoke to me while I was there. Yeah, at the doctor's office, of all places.
"In the changing area of the exam room, there was a poem taped to the mirror called 'Don't Quit'. I don't remember how it goes, but it said things like 'don't give up, just take some rest' and 'what you need is near, though it looks far'. While waiting in a chair after my ultrasounds, a song was playing on the radio in the nurses' station. The line 'It'll all get better in time' jumped out at me. Then in another exam room, there was a picture on the wall of a kneeling soldier with an angel next to him and underneath were the words 'Not Alone'.
"I hope this means that things are going to get better soon. Hopefully I will get that miracle I need this week.
"I had to fight back tears a lot while there and while thinking about the messages I was getting."
This is the poem I saw:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victor's cup, And he learned too late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out-- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. -- Author Unknown
And this is the picture:
Funny that it was a picture of a soldier considering what I wrote in my last entry.
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I went to a women's Bible study at a friend's house last night. There were about 8 of us altogether. We didn't finish the Bible study (about loving our children) because we talked so much about our children, raising them, teaching them by example and so forth. We also talked about our own struggles, things we've learned as a result and how we want to get closer to God. We had a wonderful time talking, laughing, crying, and encouraging each other.
