Don't You Just Hate Insincere Apologies?

"True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive." -- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

"If you're truly sorry for what you've done, you won't continue doing whatever it is that is hurting the person you apologized to. When you're truly sorry, you change your behavior. You don't continue in it."

I wrote this at Facebook after choosing the above quote by Mignon McLaughlin as my status a few hours ago. Someone apologized to me earlier in the year for a wrong they had done, but did they change their behavior and try to make things right between us? No, they did not. This tells me that they're not really sorry. This person has continued down the same path they've been on for a good while now and has made no attempts to do what's right. None whatsoever. If you say you're sorry, but you do nothing to change, then you lied.

If there's anything I can't stand it's dishonesty and insincerity.

This is how Webster's defines apology, in the usage I'm referring to:

apol-o-gy : an admission of error [fault; lapse; mistake; screwup] or discourtesy [disrespect; rudeness; inconsiderateness; ungraciousness] accompanied by an expression of regret [grief; repentance].

re-pen-tance : the act or process of repenting especially for misdeeds or moral shortcomings.

Synonyms of repentance: contrition, penitence [sorrow for sins or faults], remorse [a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs], guilt, self-reproach [self-rebuke; self-disapproval], shame [a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming or impropriety].

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I changed my status to this shortly after the previous status:

"I have to laugh at myself. I just found two spare house keys under our front mat from when our realtor returned them almost 2 years ago! lol I didn't know they were there. I happened to see paper sticking out from under the mat and when I pulled it out, it was a small Lowe's bag with the two house keys in it. If she ever told me about it, I obviously forgot. Thank God a criminal never found them there."

Not that a criminal would need keys to get into our house, but keys would make it easier.

This and That

Saturday, Mom, Kelly and I went to my Aunt Stella's birthday party. She turns 50 in a few days. Her and Uncle Marty (one of my dad's brothers) live in Stedman, outside of Fayetteville. There were more people there than I expected - family and church friends. It was good spending time with family and eating yummy food.

Sean went to a drag race with our neighbor Anthony and our former neighbor Larry that day. Anthony's wife Felicia was going to go too, but didn't. Sean had a really great time. I'm glad he was able to go. He really loves racing, a love he gets from Charlie, but hasn't been to a race in I don't know how long. Doing something really loud and masculine was good for him.

We got home from the party sometime after 8:00 PM. Sean got home from the track sometime after 10:00. They would've stayed longer, but it got rained out at the end.

I got a couple loads of laundry done Saturday night and then finished laundry, including folding and putting away, yesterday evening after church. Can you handle the excitement? ;-)

We're getting some much needed rain today. It started yesterday evening and is supposed to continue through tomorrow. We were a few inches below normal rainfall, so the rain is very welcome. As are the much cooler temperatures. We hit 95° on Wednesday or Thursday, 92° on Saturday. Yesterday and today have been in the 70s.

I had a strange dream when I took a nap today. I dreamed that Charlie was in the military and was being sent to Iraq or Afghanistan. He kissed me passionately and said that it had been too long since *ahem*. I was thrilled, but also felt shy. Then apparently there was going to be a special dinner and I was in a room with a bunch of other military wives who were getting all dolled up. Kelly was there and was helping me put my dress on, which was pink and black. Strange dream.

Welp, time to get the arroz con pollo started. One of my favorite meals that I cook.

I've really been enjoying this song lately. It's been out for several years. I've been listening to the CD anytime I'm in the car.



Though this video shows that the song is on the Free to Worship CD, it's actually on the Purpose by Design CD.

Hormones, Emotional Me, and Sean

I'm hurting in several places in my body today, though I've done nothing to cause strain in my muscles. "The girls" have been hurting for about a week and the pain in my ovaries, which was almost entirely absent for a few weeks, has come back and can be quite uncomfortable. When I was praying last night (I pace when I pray), I got a sudden sharp pain in my right ovary and stood there holding my breath waiting for it to pass and hoping it wouldn't be a cyst rupturing. (The ultrasound I had in July showed no more cysts, but I don't know how long it takes one to form.) After about 10-20 seconds, the pain was gone and I continued praying.

I'm also hurting in my my hips, my lower back and between my backbone and my right shoulder blade.

I think some or all of my symptoms are being caused by my hormones. I haven't taken or used any form of birth control in 2-3 weeks. Having PCOS, I need to be on birth control to control my symptoms (though nothing seems to control it enough), but I don't like the Nuva Ring at all (I used it for the first time last month). My doctor put me on the Nuva Ring to protect my liver from the damage birth control pills and Lipitor combined could do to it. The Nuva Ring though doesn't control my symptoms as well as the pill does. Plus, I could feel it all the time and I really hated that. So I've decided I don't want to use the Nuva Ring, but I don't know if my doctor will allow me to go back on the pill.

And so now I think my hormones, which were normal in July while I was on the pill, have gone a little crazy. Besides the pain, my hair is falling out more than usual. (Another lovely symptom of PCOS.) Arrgh! *sigh*

I'm really sick of not only PCOS, but of taking medication. I don't want to take anymore pills of any kind unless it's the occasional ibuprofen for a headache or cramps. I just want to be healthy and normal (the normal that I was before PCOS) and full of vitality. I hate the pain and the hair loss and the lack of energy and excess weight (not that I'm as big as a house or anything) and all the other unpleasant and depressing symptoms of PCOS that I have.

Anyway, enough whining about my health.

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I believe I've written before about what an emotional, sensitive, tenderhearted person I am. It doesn't take much to move me to tears. I was watching a show last night and this elderly man was so depressed about his alzheimer's and the fact that he'd shot someone (flesh wound) because he didn't understand what he was seeing that he went down to a small lake, sat down on a log and held his gun (rifle?) under his chin to kill himself. He then pulled the gun away and began to cry. Oh my gosh, that really got to me. I said to myself, "If that was real and I was an angel I would go to him and hold him." *blushing* That embarrasses me to say as I realize how silly it sounds, but I really was moved by his situation and wanted so much to comfort him.

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Sean isn't feeling well today. I had to pick him up early from school. So that means no church tonight. :-( Hopefully he'll be well before Saturday. One of our neighbors and his wife are going to a drag race that day and they invited Sean to go with them. He's very excited about it and has really been looking forward to going. I don't want him to miss out on it. Mom, Kelly and I are going to my Aunt Stella's birthday party that day. She and my Uncle Marty live outside of Fayetteville, a couple hours away. If Sean is too sick to go to the drag strip, that means we'll have to stay home and miss the birthday party. Hopefully whatever Sean has is one of those short-lived, one-day things.

A Bit of Randomness

I've got a whole chicken in the oven and it's smelling so good my mouth is watering. I can't wait to eat it. It will be served with carrots, broccoli, stuffing, black eyed peas and crescent rolls.

We all get songs stuck in our head. They can change throughout the day. Here are songs that have been on my mind today:





There was a third, non-gospel song, but I can't remember what it was or who it was by.

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Church was good yesterday. It felt good just to be there.

Speaking of church, a man who goes to our church can be seen in advertisements/posters at Food Lion. I think his name is Leo or something. I don't really know. When we were getting groceries Friday before last, I saw it and was like, "Hey, that guy goes to our church." Then yesterday a lady at church told him that she saw this poster at Food Lion and asked him if it was him in the poster. He said that yes, it's him. lol Funny.

Another week of 90 degree temperatures ahead. (Though tomorrow is supposed to be in the mid-80s.) I'll be glad when things cool down into the 60s and 70s.

Sean stayed home from school today. He said his stomach was hurting. I couldn't get him to get off the couch and get ready for school, no matter what I said.

Mom wants to take us out to eat tomorrow. I don't know where.

And now I will close this entry. And I must say, supper tonight is delicious! We're almost attacking our food.

Sense and Sensibility

For those who haven't seen this movie or read the book, there are spoilers below.

I watched Sense and Sensibility tonight (last night now, technically) while the kids were playing in Kelly's room. This movie came out about 15 years ago I guess and is one of my all-time favorite movies. It still makes me cry. Especially the scene where heartbroken Marianne stands in the rain reciting Shakespeare's 116th sonnet, the part where Marianne thanks Colonel Brandon for saving her and the part where Elinor cries when she finds out that Edward didn't marry Lucy. Oh, and the scene where Marianne asks Elinor, "Where is your heart?" and Elinor tells her that if she hadn't been sworn to secrecy she could've produced "proof enough of a broken heart" even for Marianne.

A few of my favorite scenes:







I love this scene. I laugh 'til I cry every time.



Hugh Laurie is very funny as Mr. Palmer.



A music video someone made. I think it's quite lovely.



I wanted to add a couple more scenes, but I couldn't find clips of them.

We have church in the morning, so I need to be getting to bed. Y'all have a blessed Sunday!

This and That

Wednesday: Went walking at the park that morning. Took a few pictures. Found an action figure (a gold knight with a red shield) at the edge of a field that looked like it had been there for a long time. Came across a lot of spider webs crossing the path. Icky and annoying.

Deer that bolted when it heard me coming. She didn't go far. I took this picture after she ran.

Went to church that evening. Our pastor and his family weren't there, so the Spanish minister preached. "How many of you have been praying about something for over a year?" I was one of many who raised their hands. "Keep praying until God answers." Frustrating at times? Yes. But I will keep praying until God makes things right.

Thursday: Blah. Nothing.

Friday: Got groceries, bought the dog (Pippin) a new toy, which he loves, and took the kids out for pizza. (The crust was nice and crispy on the bottom. I love that.) Later, we watched New Moon and after Kelly went to bed, Sean watched Kingdom of Heaven (director's cut) with me. It's rated R for violence, so Sean had to cover his eyes a lot. I would never allow my kids to see such intense violence.

Today: Laundry and a few other household jobs. The kids played with a couple neighbor kids outside for about an hour. For supper tonight: leftover pizza.

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"Right actions for the future are the best apologies for wrong ones in the past." -- Tyron Edwards

"A man's character is his fate." -- Heraclitus

"Trust happens when words and actions live together over a long period of time."

"Unforgiveness is me protecting myself, forgiveness is God protecting me." -- Dr. Craig Moorman

Reaching Out

My current Facebook status:

"Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean God isn't doing something."

A friend responded about being in a valley, feeling angry, feeling lonely. This was my response:

"I can relate to feeling angry about things. It's something I struggle with. Not that I lash out or anything. My anger is internal. I think that it does cloud our thinking. I know for me it can block out God's promises, causing me to forget what His Word says is mine. Sometimes I have to remind myself what God has said by quoting His words and promises to myself.

"As for friends, I've always been a loner and it's easy for me to isolate myself somewhat and go weeks or even months without calling anyone or hanging out with anyone. It takes real effort for me to go outside of myself and spend time with a friend. It doesn't mean I don't care about them. I just get lost in my own world and my own problems. It's something I really have to put a lot of effort into changing about myself. I have to remind myself over and over, "I need to call so-and-so", and even then I forget to and it may be weeks before I actually make that phone call.

"I pray God brings a friend into your life who can spend time with you and reach out to you. I prayed that God would bring someone like that into my life, but the friendships didn't really start forming until I reached out.

"I have a melancholy personality and am very much an introvert, so spending time alone doesn't bother me. I'm very content. For a time. But we all need friends. God created us to need each other, to pray for each other, to help each other, to spend time together. It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone. :-)"

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I was going to write something else in this entry, but I can't remember what. Maybe it will come to me later. If so, I will add it to this entry.

I will end this with a quote:

"A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation." -- Author Unknown

Sick and Tired

Well, it's been more than a few days since I last posted a blog entry and I suppose I should let y'all know what's going on. I've been sick with a cold or a sinus infection since Tuesday (fever, stuffy nose, headache, cough, fatigue) and haven't felt like getting online. I finally started feeling better yesterday and though I woke up with a bad headache today, I feel better overall than I have since Tuesday. Kelly is better also and went to school today. I'm sure she has a lot of make-up work to do tonight.

It looks like it's now Sean's turn to get sick. When I picked him up from school a few minutes ago, he said that he has a headache and a sore throat. I tell ya, if I had a second job (in addition to being a housewife/SAHM), I would either be missing a lot of work, thereby possibly getting fired, or someone would be making good money watching my kids for me. If they'd even watch my kids while they're sick.

The housework was put on hold for a few days while I was sick and I watched more TV than I normally do, when I wasn't dozing on the couch. I watched a couple 9/11 programs on Saturday. I still get emotional, though of course not as much as the day it happened. One thing I learned that I didn't know before was that not everyone who appeared to be jumping to their deaths actually jumped. Some accidentally walked out while trying to find their way through the smoke. Wow. I can't imagine the terror. As for those who did jump, that's a choice I don't know if I could make, being as terrified of heights as I am. But like many things, you don't really know what you would do in a situation until you're actually in it.

Anyway, I did get a few things done yesterday, though I ran out of energy quicker than I normally do, so I couldn't get everything done. But I've gotten more done today and will be cooking supper tonight - chicken giardino, one of my favorite meals. I can't wait to eat it.

Random Dozen

I got this from my friend Susanne's blog and decided to answer the questions too since I'm bored and have nothing interesting to blog about.

1. What insect are you most afraid of? Feel free to post a picture.

Spiders are technically arachnids, otherwise I'd say spiders. As for insects, maybe roaches. Though I'm much more disgusted by them than frightened by them. Hmm. What insect strikes terror in my heart? I'd be pretty afraid if a wasp or bee landed on me, but I don't freak out if one flies near me. I don't know. I can't think of an insect that scares me.

Oh! I just thought of one. The camel back cricket. *shudder* We had them at two houses we lived in in the past. Those things can jump really far. I remember one time sitting on the floor of my bedroom when I was 19 when a camel back cricket flew by my head and landed on my curtains. I about had a heart attack. I just looked at a picture of one online. My toes instantly curled up and I couldn't look at the screen. *shudder*

2. What is the greenest/most organic thing about you or that you do?

I don't go out of my way to be "green". I do turn off the water when I'm brushing my teeth and I use the water saver setting on my dishwasher, unless it's practically crammed full. But those two things are more about keeping my water bill down than conserving water.

3. Tell me about a recurring dream that haunts you.

I don't have any.

4. Have you ever missed a flight? What were the circumstances?

No.

5. What do you consider your best feature?

Nothing. My eyes are okay and I guess my lips are too, though I wish they were a little fuller.

6. What was the last concert you went to?

Carman, 1989 or 1990.

7. Describe the most embarrassing church moment you ever experienced.

Nothing comes to mind.

8. Are you a whistler, hummer or singer?

Singer.

9. George Washington Carver said, "I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in." What is God saying to you through nature today, or this very minute?

Nothing through nature. But in my heart and soul, I feel like He's telling me that He's going to take care of me, to trust Him, and that He's going to do what I need Him to do.

10. On September, 1, 1752, the Liberty Bell arrived in Philadelphia. What memorable event will take place in your life on September 1, 2010?

Well, that date has passed and nothing memorable happened.

11. Taco Bell or the Liberty Bell? (You must choose.)

Taco Bell. It's closer and cheaper than traveling to Pennsylvania to see the Liberty Bell.

12. Do you believe men and women can have purely platonic friendships?

Maybe. As long as they don't spend too much alone time together.

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I think I'm getting what Kelly has. My throat is dry and a little scratchy and I'm beginning to cough some. Hopefully I won't get the fever too. Fevers always wipe me out, even when they're low. I don't have time to be sick. I have a home and two kids to take care of.

Sick girl, Sleepless me, and a Movie Review

My Banana (that would be my daughter Kelly, middle name Brianna, hence the "Banana") is sick. :-( Fever, headache, sniffles, feeling miserable. Sometimes she'll play with Sean (aka "Lump", shortened from "Honey Lump" and "Sugar Lump"), but then she'll start feeling bad and go lie down on the couch. Of course, it being after 3:00 AM (an hour of the morning I'm normally not awake for anymore), she's in the bed, humidifier running. But she did get up once sometime after 1:00 and I gave her another dose of medicine since it was past time for it.

Thankfully today's a holiday, so I don't have to worry about her missing school. I hope she'll feel better in time to go back to school tomorrow. Not that I want her, or Sean, out of the house or anything. I'm one of those parents who doesn't look forward to the school year starting. One of those who doesn't say, "I can't wait 'til school starts so that I can get them out of my hair" or "I'll be glad when they turn 18 and move out."

Summer vacation is a nice worry-free time for me. I don't begin worrying about them until they go back to school. I say a lot of prayers for them while they're at school. And I certainly am not looking forward to them moving out. If I could, I would keep them with me forever.

You might be thinking, "Oh, you'll change your mind one day."

Really? They're 13 and 10 now, and though Sean (the 13-year-old) does get that teenage attitude sometimes, I'm in no hurry for him to turn 18 and leave. Kelly has yet to show real attitude, being only 10. But still I can't imagine looking forward to her moving out. Ugh. Just the thought of my kids leaving puts an ache in my heart.

So anyway, we missed church for the second Sunday in a row yesterday. I really hate missing church. But of course Kelly can't help it if she's sick.

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I've had a hard time sleeping the past couple nights. It's been taking me a little longer than usual to fall asleep and then I wake up a lot. My sleeping troubles ended months ago when peace finally came to me. I have been a little down and frustrated lately. Okay, more than a little. As in, to the point of tears. So that's probably why.

*sigh*

I just want life to be good again - all the way around. I know life has its ups and its downs, its mountains and its valleys, its good times and its bad times, its easy times and its hard times. But this hard time has lasted far too long. I told God the other day, "I need for this to be over and for life to be good again for awhile. More than awhile. I'd say I deserve at least 3-5 years of life being good before the next hard time comes along."

Will God grant me such a wish? Will He agree with me that after what I've been through, and how faithful I've been through it all, that I deserve for things to be good in my life for a good long while? Time will tell, I suppose.

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The kids and I have been on a sort of Lord of the Rings trilogy marathon these past few days. (Extended editions, of course.) We watched Fellowship of the Ring on Friday night, the first disk of The Two Towers on Saturday night, disk two of TTT and disk one of Return of the King yesterday. We'll finish ROTK sometime today or tonight.

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On the subject of movies, Mom let me borrow her copy of Why Did I Get Married Too? the other night.

Big time spoilers!! Do not read this review if you don't want the movie to be spoiled for you!

I liked it, but the first one is quite a bit better, in my opinion. Angela is still crazy and for some reason drinking alcohol again. As usual, she's the funniest character. I love when she goes into her bedroom expecting to find her husband in bed with another woman and begins shooting her gun while she's yelling at them. Only it's not her husband. That scene was so funny to me.

Janet Jackson's character (Patricia?) and her husband decide to get divorced and Janet's character is determined that the divorce be civil, saying that she still loves her husband, but things quickly become anything but civil. In fact, they get down right ugly. Alcohol, physical abuse, property destruction, greed, hurtful words.

In a climactic scene, as Patricia is yelling at her husband, calling him a greedy b*****d and so on (after she'd just embarrassed him at work in retaliation for him taking the money she made on publishing her book), her husband gets in his car and drives away and as he pulls out onto the road, apparently not watching where he is going, what looks like a short moving truck slams into his car. I literally gasped out loud.

As Patricia and her and her husband's friends are sitting in the hospital waiting room, Patricia, with tears streaming down her face, tells her friends, who are all having marital issues, to work things out and don't let things lead to what has happened to her and her husband. Don't let it get to separation and divorce. It's not worth it. Their marriages are worth saving because they love each other and because it's right. Patricia is full of regret for allowing things to become the way they did with her husband - the divorce and all the ugliness that came with it. Don't fight each other. Fight to save your marriage.

Sheila's ex-husband comes back around, wanting forgiveness for cheating on her and for treating her so badly - verbally abusing her, ignoring her, breaking her heart. But there's another reason that he's come around, besides a desire for forgiveness. Even though he was one of the world's biggest jerks in the first Married, you can't help feeling some sympathy for him.

Terry (Tyler Perry's character) begins feeling suspicious about Dianne and how that she's different lately and suddenly seems so happy. What's she up to? Her friends notice the change too, saying that she's glowing. Terry's suspicions are confirmed when Dianne finally confesses after he questions her. She swears she will change, but will he forgive her and stay with her?

This second Married is much more serious than the first and has less laughs. I'll probably get it on DVD eventually. I can't help it. I love Tyler Perry's movies. Besides the first Married, I also have Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea's Family Reunion on DVD.

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So this was a pretty long blog entry. I reckon I was feeling especially chatty tonight. Maybe I need to call a friend today and get in some real adult conversation. I can't remember the last time I did that.

Y'all have a great Labor Day! No special plans for me. I'll be hanging out with my kids and tending to my sick daughter.

Quiz Results and a Song

No energy and feeling bored. I just took a few quizzes at Facebook. The results were mostly accurate.

Which element are you? -- Air

My Result: Air.
Hey there, Air. How are you doing? In your default form you are by far the gentlest of the elements, the most altruistic of the elements, the easiest to be around. People who are close to you relish that closeness as if you were the oxygen they breathe. Though when you are such an honest and true individual sometimes it is easy for others to move through life as if you are invisible to them, pushing you around and hurting you in ways they would never imagine doing to say, water or fire. Little do they know that air can be pushed too far and all it takes is a few powerful gusts from this angry element to get a point across, though not without a rush of guilt and second thoughts to follow. Your place in the world: The genuine soul and emotional helper to those in need. A breath of fresh air.

What kind of mask do you wear? -- Beauty

My Result: Beauty

Your mask is Beauty. You are beautiful inside and out. You aren't too aware of your beauty, although all the people around you are. There are times when you feel like you're wearing a mask, but no one around you can notice the difference with or without it. You may feel vulnerable at times, but you usually get through it. You sometimes wish you had someone to help you through those tough times, but you are always hopeful and don't give up easily. People who first meet you notice your beauty at a glance, but most people notice it when they get to really know you.

My Result: Compassion

What is your Best Trait?

You don't judge others' faults but rather have compassion on them and what they are going through. Your first instinct when you see someone in need is to comfort them and show them how much you care. You are gracious, and love flows out of you naturally. Even in situations where most people would back away, you are right there for people with your arms wide open. You feel empathy for those who suffer, and this might be because of your kind nature or maybe even because you can relate; whatever the reason, you help heal wounds and are a shoulder to cry on.

I also took the Five Love Languages quiz and got Physical Touch as my love language, with Quality Time a close second.


***Edited in***

I didn't want to start a separate entry for this. It would be my third entry today if I did.

Anyone remember this song? Sure you do. This was back when Mariah Carey had class as a singer. Such a pretty song.

When is it my turn?

I apologize in advance for the pity party.

Three of my cousins are pregnant. Jessica with her fourth, Rachel with her third and Christine with her second. My brother's wife Jennifer is pregnant with her second, her first with my brother. My niece Jessica, on my husband's side, is pregnant with her first. A few of my friends are also pregnant and two of them had babies in the past couple months.

I have friends and family who are being blessed with not only new babies and new pregnancies, but also new homes, new cars, new jobs, new business opportunities and various other blessings.

And here I sit, waiting on the blessings I and my family need. I have done my best to be patient. I am a "good person" - kind, faithful, decent. I don't say these things about myself to brag. My point is that I'm not a horrible person. I'm not living a vile, ungodly life. So I can't help but wonder, when's it my turn? I'm pretty sure I blogged a little about this before, so I apologize for blogging about it again, but with more good things happening all around me in people's lives while I'm still waiting, it just hurts.

As I said before, I don't wish that it was me being blessed instead of them. I'm genuinely happy for them and I let them know it. I congratulate them and tell them that I'm happy for them. I just wish that I was being blessed too.

I have real needs for myself and my family. I've been waiting for over a year and nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. Well, besides myself. I've changed and have become better at who I am and what I do. I don't know. Maybe that's where things have to start. Maybe the change has to begin in me before things will change around me. But considering the change happened in me months ago, when's the other change going to come? I'm sick of waiting.

I've been strong for a long time, but I feel like my strength is leaving me. I'm only human and I can only be strong for so long. How much waiting and believing and hoping can a person do before they just don't have the strength for it anymore?

And yet, in spite of my failing strength, I still don't want to give up. The future doesn't look good when I imagine how things would turn out if I did give up. Things would just be all wrong and ugly and depressing. I don't want that for my future. And so, I must do my best to continue to hold on. I'll try to dig deeper and find more strength to carry on.