Simple Pleasures

In this difficult and lonely time of my life, I take my joys and pleasures wherever I can find them. One of my favorite little pleasures is sitting on the couch reading a good book and eating freshly baked (Nestle Toll House break-off) chocolate chip cookies. Sometimes my mind drifts to my troubles, but I force myself to concentrate on the book I'm reading and then I'm lost in the story again.

Other simple pleasures:

• Walking on the nature trails at Hagan Stone Park.
• Decorating for Christmas.
• Preparing and eating a good meal.
• Watching a good movie. (Last night it was It's a Wonderful Life.)
• Making my children smile and laugh.
• Reading in bed before going to sleep.
• Petting my cats and playing with the dog.
• The sun shining on a cool Autumn day.
• Listening to beautiful, moving or fun music.
• Displaying my daughter's art on the refrigerator.
• My son doing a fine job practicing his flute. (When he practices.)
• Hugs and kisses from my kids.
• Hearing my kids tell me they love me.
• Reading scripture that speaks to my situation. Though that's far more than just a pleasure.
• Curling up on the couch with an afghan and a mug of hot chocolate.
  

I'm sure if I sat here thinking long enough I could add many more simple pleasures to my list.

This and That

I'm still not feeling well. More tired than anything, but also a little sniffly and I don't have much of a voice at times. Kelly's doing better. Just a little bit of a cough. She'll be going to church with my mom and Sean. I'll have to stay home again. :-(

I put the lights on the tree last night. I was going to put the ornaments on it as well, but I got too tired.

While I was sitting at my computer, I called Kelly to me to tell her something and she came to me crying. I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I miss Daddy". I asked her if she wanted to call him and speak to him, but she said that she didn't. Maybe she was afraid she'd cry on the phone with him.

Little girls need their daddies and boys who are about to be teenagers need them too. Not to mention how much I need my husband. It makes me angry that he's not here as much as he should be. I really feel for single mothers. I feel like a single mother myself (emotionally) and it's awful. He's paying the bills, but I'm the one taking care of everything and raising our kids pretty much by myself. *insert angry face here*

Anyway, that feeling I get from time to time (click on "Dreams" and "dreaming" in my label cloud) hit me again a few hours ago. The feeling that I need to escape or get away somewhere. It's not sugar plums, but visions of far off places dancing in my head - Italy, New Zealand, Ireland. *sigh* Will those dreams ever come true? Only God knows for sure. Aside from the dreams I have for my husband and I as a couple, and for our family, traveling to Europe and New Zealand is my biggest dream in life.

It kind of stinks to have dreams you can't attain (for now), but having no dreams at all would be worse.

Thanksgiving and Other Things

I woke up Thanksgiving morning feeling tired and a little unwell. Around 1:30, I cleaned and prepared the turkey and then got it in the oven shortly before 2:00. I then took about an hour nap (could've used a longer one), checked the turkey and then took a shower.

My brother Del and his wife Jennifer came over sometime after 5:00 while I was finishing up dinner. Kelly put the deep green table cloth on the table (quite pretty) and then Sean, Kelly and I set the table. When all the side dishes were done (stuffing, green beans, crescent rolls, black eyed peas, mashed potatoes, gravy) I put it all in serving bowls and set them on the table. My brother carved the turkey and put the pieces on a platter for me, which he then placed in the center of the table.

When we all were seated, my brother said the blessing in his typical goofy fashion and then we all piled our plates with food (well, Kelly and Del did) and nearly stuffed ourselves. We really enjoyed our dinner.

After we were done eating, Del and Sean got the Christmas tree and decorations down from the attic for me. I was too tired to do more than put the tree together though. It still sits there bare, with its branches still clumped together, as I type this. Between my cold and AF, I've been almost more tired than I can stand.

Anyway, Del and Jennifer left around 7:20 (Del had to help Jennifer's mom with something) and then my mom came over at around 7:30 after getting off work. She only ate a turkey leg and a piece of chocolate cream pie. Kelly and I ate some pie with her so that she wouldn't have to eat alone. She didn't stay long. She left around 8:00 or so. :-/

I really can't put into words how much I missed my husband being here with us. This is the first time that we haven't spent Thanksgiving together. Without him, it just isn't the same.

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I had planned on going to bed earlier than I did on Thursday night, but I stayed up very late reading a book called The Diplomat's Wife by Pam Jenoff. (A sort of sequel to The Kommandant's Girl.) It was too good to put down. I finished reading it before going to bed. I had just finished reading Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict two or three days before. It was an okay book. I'm now reading The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson and will be starting The Wind Comes Sweeping soon.

I had a hard time sleeping Thursday night/Friday morning, as seems to always be the case these past few months, and woke up Friday feeling like I had barely slept. But, there were things to do, places to go, kids and pets to take care of.

Because I was so sleepy (my cold and AF didn't help things), it took me awhile to get myself together and out the door. The kids and I left around 3:00 or so to do the weekly grocery shopping. I also needed to get Sean a pair of brown dress shoes, but after going to six different stores, the only brown dress shoes I could find were at Dillard's for $50-55. Uh, no. I don't even like to pay that much for shoes for myself. Though I can't remember the last time I bought shoes for myself. So sad.

When I couldn't find shoes for Sean (for a decent price), I decided to see if I could find a coat for Kelly on sale. The coats at Dillard's were not on sale and all The Children's Place had were brightly-colored puffers, which I don't care for. We then went to Belk, which had kids' coats on sale for half off. We narrowed it down to a red one and a black one. Kelly chose the black one, which was on sale for $34.

We went to Food Lion after leaving the mall and then brought Sean to my mom's house so that he could spend the night with her. After bringing the groceries home, Kelly and I went to the Wendy's drive-thru and got something to eat. It was after 7:00 and I hadn't eaten at all yet.

I was so tired after eating that I couldn't keep my eyes open (I had felt like a zombie the whole time we'd been out), so I laid down on the couch and slept for 2-2½ hours. Had weird dreams as usual. In one dream, I was in Italy with a tour group. At one point we were inside a shop of some kind when this older black man (40s-50s) approached me and said, "I've been looking for you all my life." lol But then I got to talking to him and a couple other men about how great the TV show The Closer is and how that if I could only choose one show to watch, it would be that one. Weird. Don't know where that came from.

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I need to get the tree decorated today. Hopefully I'll have the energy to do it. I've felt wiped out for a few days now. Maybe I'll get the lights on the bushes too.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude!" -- Henry Ward Beecher

"Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow." -- Edward Sandford Martin

"Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action." -- W.J. Cameron

"The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!" -- Henry Ward Beecher

"Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds." -- Theodore Roosevelt

"It is literally true, as the thankless say, that they have nothing to be thankful for. He who sits by the fire, thankless for the fire, is just as if he had no fire. Nothing is possessed save in appreciation, of which thankfulness is the indispensable ingredient. But a thankful heart hath a continual feast." -- W.J. Cameron

"We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way." -- Author Unknown

"None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude. Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy." -- Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

"May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!"
-- Author Unknown

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." -- Melody Beattie

"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning." -- Albert Barnes

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." -- W.T. Purkiser

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I can't remember ever having a less than lovely Thanksgiving. Every year that I can recall it has been good and happy. This year however, my husband will not be here. As I write this, he is on an airplane to Iowa because of his job. :-(

On top of that, Kelly's sick with a cold and fever, and I'm coming down with a cold too. My mom will be working, as she does every Thanksgiving, and won't be here until about 7:30 PM. I told my brother and his wife that I would have the food done around 5:00 or 6:00 and they should be here around that time.

So for most of the day, it will be just me and my kids. Alone. No other family with us. Including, most importantly, my husband/their father.

Yes, this depresses me. But I still have things to be thankful for and I will try to remember that.

I hope all who read my blog will have a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by friends, family, good health and good food.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." -- Mark Twain

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” -- William Arthur Ward

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -- Mahatma Gandhi

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." -- Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January 1983

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." -- Paul Boese

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." -- George Herbert

"Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule." -- Lewis B. Smedes

"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury." -- E.H. Chapin

Resistance is Futile

As you might can hear*, I could no longer resist and added Christmas music to my blog. So much for waiting until after Thanksgiving. :-)

* "Might can" is a Southernism. I tried wording it another way, for the benefit of any non-Southerners who visit my blog, but "might can" is what comes naturally for me and I couldn't come up with a satisfactory alternative.

Christmas Spirit

Like most children, I absolutely loved Christmas growing up. Getting into the Christmas spirit took no effort at all. Then sometime in my mid to late 20s, the excitement wore off and that special feeling I used to get at Christmastime just wasn't there anymore. Not like it used to be. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get it back.

This year is a little different. I really don't know why. I've had almost nothing but pain and tears and stress since June. And yet I find myself excited about Christmas. Instead of being annoyed when I hear Christmas music, I really enjoy it and it hasn't bothered me this year to hear it before Thanksgiving. I have to make myself not listen to Christmas music as I've always said that the music and decorations should be held off until after Thanksgiving has had its day. I don't always succeed in not listening to Christmas music though. Sometimes I've just got to turn it to the local station that's already playing Christmas music (and has been for a week or so), turn it up and sing along.

I even already made a Christmas music playlist a week or two ago that I'm trying to wait until at least Thanksgiving night to put here on my blog.

What is going on with me? It almost defies logic that a person can be going through one of the worst times of their life, if not the worst, and yet be full of the Christmas spirit. And not just the Christmas spirit, but also a general feeling of hope and joy and knowing that somehow everything is going to turn out right.

I'm trying to be patient and wait until after Thanksgiving to put Christmas music on my blog, put up the tree and decorate my house.

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The past couple days:

After getting groceries on Friday, I took Sean to get his hair cut. He needed one badly. As the lady was cutting his hair, she discovered a little bald spot at the base of his head about the size of a dime.

Sean had alopecia areata over four years ago, when he was 8 years old, that started off as a small bald spot and grew to be about 2-3 inches in diameter. We brought him to the dermotologist and he gave us a steroid cream to put on the spot. The hair grew back in a few months. It grew in a little darker than the rest of his hair, but people don't notice it.

I'm going to have to take Sean to the dermotologist soon and see if we can get some more of that steroid cream. I wonder if his hair will grow back in darker or maybe even lighter this time.

We went to Subway and the video store after getting Sean's hair cut and rented G.I. Joe and Star Trek. We ate our supper while watching G.I. Joe. Sean had seen it in the theater with Charlie over the summer. It was an okay movie.

I watched Star Trek later, without the kids (gotta preview), and really liked it. I never liked the Star Trek TV shows or the other Star Trek movies, and so I was surprised at how much I like this new Star Trek. I'd definitely like to get it on Blu-Ray.

Yesterday was my nephew Zack's birthday party. (He's my brother's stepson.) He turned 7 or 8 on Monday. Sean and Kelly had fun playing with the other kids while us adults talked. The party started at 1:00 and we left at about 4:45.

When we got home, I cleaned out the litter boxes, got laundry started and cooked chili for supper. We watched Star Trek while eating supper. I fell asleep with an hour or more left in the movie. When I woke up, it was nearly 10:00. I had Kelly get in the shower and I did some more laundry. The kids eventually got in bed. :-/

Now it's after 2:00 AM and I need to get in bed myself. We've got church in the morning. Though Kelly was saying before she went to bed that her throat was hurting, so it's not a 100% certainty that we'll make it. :-( My throat's feeling a little sensitive too.

The Power of the Tongue

"A careless word may kindle strife,
A cruel word may wreck a life,
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite and kill.

"A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal and bless."

I read this yesterday and it reminded me of the scripture that says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."

With our tongues, the words we say, we can speak life to a person, or we can speak destruction. And those words, whether they be good words or bad, will affect the speaker as well as the one being spoken to. Which makes me think of the scripture that says, "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap."

Be careful what you say to someone because you can't take it back. Even if the person you hurt with your words forgives you, it's not likely that they will forget what you said. Every now and then they may feel the sting of it again.

Think before you speak. And not just with those you love. Do you want the last words anyone hears from you to be words of death, hatred, anger and meanness? Or do you want them to be words of life, love, joy and kindness?

You can break a heart or mend it with your words. You can trouble a mind or bring it peace. You can build up or you can tear down.

I want to be a person who speaks life to others - words of love and kindness and encouragement. You never know what kind of difference you could make in a person's life, good or bad, just by the words you choose to speak to them.

"By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." -- Winston Churchill

Survey

I found this at Ramblings of a Fab Brunette. Here are my responses. I left one out.

Proust Questionnaire

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I don't know that there is perfect happiness. Other than in heaven. But what would make me happiest at the moment is having my husband home.

2. What is your greatest fear?
Losing my husband and/or children.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Lack of confidence in myself.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Selfishness, rudeness, arrogance, dishonesty.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
I can't think of an answer for this.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
I don't know that I have any. How sad is that?

7. What is your current mood?
Lonely.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I don't consider any virtues to be overrated.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
I try not to ever lie.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Everything.

11. Which living person do you most despise?
I don't despise anyone. I don't have that right. ("Love your neighbor as yourself." "Love your enemies.") There are some people I don't like a whole lot though. I can't think of anyone I actually know.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Trustworthiness, commitment, kindness, good manners, putting others first, honor (be a man of your word; keep your promises; do what's right), gentleness, strength, hardworking, devoted to family, etc.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Kindness, loyalty, good manners, femininity/being a lady, compassion, strength, etc.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I don't know. I never really noticed.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Besides God, my husband.

16. When and where were you happiest?
Anytime I'm with my husband and kids. Especially when we're on vacation or out together.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
A better singing voice, to be a better cook, be able to create beautiful paintings, be able to learn new languages easily.

18. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
To have my husband home more.

19. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My body, my hair, my health. I'd also like to be more confident in myself.

20. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being a mom.

21. Where would you most like to live?
If I couldn't live in North Carolina, I'd like to try New Zealand or Italy.

22. What is your most treasured possession?
My wedding ring.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A broken heart or losing a loved one.

24. What is your favorite occupation?
For myself, housewife/SAHM.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
I don't know. I'd have to ask someone who knows me.

26. What do you most value in your friends?
Just being there for me, listening to me, praying for and with me.

27. Who are your favorite writers?
Jane Austen, the writers of the Bible, William Shakespeare, Khaled Hosseini, Diana Gabaldon.

28. Favorite hero or heroine of fiction?
Legolas and Samwise Gamgee of The Lord of the Rings, most of Jane Austen's heroes and heroines.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
None that I can think of.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?
Jesus.

31. What are your favorite names?
I have a long list of favorite names. If I had to choose the very top ones, they would be: Sean (of course), Kelly (of course), Ava, Liam, Brendan, Declan, Emily, Fiona, Saoirse (seer-shuh), Tessa, Linnea (lyn-nay-uh), Nikolai, Dimitri, and Demetrius.

32. What is it that you most dislike?
Being alone all the time.

33. What is your greatest regret?
I can't think of any regrets.

34. How would you like to die?
Well, I wouldn't like to die at all. But if I could choose how I die, I would choose to die in my sleep.

35. What is your motto?
I have a few. Better safe than sorry. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Life is what you make of it.

God Bless the American Housewife

I'm not a big fan of country music, but there are some country songs I like. Mostly stuff from the '90s. Anyway, here are a few country songs that are on my mind.

New Clothes

The kids and I did a little shopping this evening after I picked them up from their schools. There was a lot they needed and I got a good chunk of it. I still have to get Kelly a pair of black boots, a coat (the sleeves are getting short on her current coat, which she's had for a couple years), panties, a couple more pairs of tights, and a couple more dresses for church. Sean still needs brown church shoes and a couple sweatshirts or sweaters, which according to the strict school dress code, can't be hoodies, can't have any print on them and have to be crewnecks. :-/ I couldn't find a single sweatshirt of that style anywhere this evening.

Here's what I did manage to get:

For Kelly, two church dresses (a purple long-sleeved velvet one for $25 at Dillard's - she got one like it at Belk in green last week; a red one on sale at Macy's marked down from $85 to $34), four pairs of pantyhose for church in white and nude (2 pair to a pack), black dress shoes ($17 at Target), a long straight dark denim skirt ($24 at Dillard's), a long black skirt for church (on sale for $9 at Belk; she just needs a dressy top to go with it), and two long-sleeved shirts ($15 for both at The Children's Place) in red and green.

I got this green velvet dress for Kelly last week. I got the same dress in purple velvet tonight.

For Sean, a pack of crew socks (at Target), a black long-sleeved polo shirt ($13) and two pairs of church pants (khaki & navy, on sale for $10 each) at Macy's, a 3-pack of dress socks in khaki, navy and black (at Belk), and two long-sleeved polo shirts in white and black at Dillard's.

Can't find any pictures of what I got Sean.

Long-sleeved polo shirts (which are required at Sean's school) are hard to find, especially in Sean's size. That's why he now has two in white and two in black. You get what you can find. :-/

I'll try to get the rest of what they need over the next few weeks. I'll wait for coats to go on sale before I get one for Kelly. I saw two I like at Dillard's, but I don't want to pay $70 for a girl's coat. Only one of them has a hood though, so that might be the one I get.

Wool peacoat. Also comes in red.

Faux Suede with fake fur trim and lining. Also comes in brown.

After we were done shopping (and I'd spent almost all of the money that had been set aside for getting clothes for the kids), I took the kids to Mario's and we got a pizza to go. It was after 7:00 and we were starving. (I hadn't eaten since breakfast.) The kids ate while doing their homework. And, naturally, they took their time getting ready for bed and getting in it.

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I finally went through all my kids clothes last week and bagged up what didn't fit them to bring to Goodwill. (I brought it all to Goodwill on Friday.) I ended up with nine department store-sized bags full of clothes they couldn't wear anymore, most of it Kelly's. Their closets look so empty now.

Our Weekend

My mom had really been wanting to see A Christmas Carol in theaters and so on Saturday she, my kids, Mom's boyfriend Rick and I went to see it. (Her treat.) It's a pretty good movie. Kind of long. My kids really liked it though. My favorite part of any A Christmas Carol has always been when Scrooge turns good and is full of cheer and thanksgiving and generosity. It makes my heart feel good and I can't help but smile.

I do not recommend this movie for small children. There are some parts that will probably scare them and perhaps give them nightmares.

After seeing the movie, Kelly and I were going to go to my friend Mary's house, but I got a text from her telling me that she was sick. Turned out she had food poisoning, poor girl. I'm glad she's feeling better now. We're making plans to get together at another time.

Yesterday was church time and it felt good to be there, as it does every Sunday and Wednesday. The morning service was focused on the children with a puppet show, a game, a drawing and a message directed at them. All the kids had a great time and were so excited and really into it. My kids weren't into it as much. Kelly is far too shy for her own good sometimes, even to the point of tears, as she was yesterday. Sean is approaching those teen years and the attitude is beginning to show. :-/

When we got home from the morning service and after changing clothes, we got something to eat (cereal for Kelly; honey wheat toast w/butter & honey for me) and watched a silent football game (Charlie hasn't been home yet to fix the sound for me) until I fell asleep around halftime. I dozed off and on while Kelly watched a movie or two (the sound works for the Blu-Ray player) until it was time to get ready for the evening service.

Service was good with a good message from our pastor, after which I talked with a few friends before coming home. The kids and I got something to eat once we were home (Sean & I chose cereal; I fixed Kelly some soup), they took their time eating and then took their time getting in the bed. *sigh* It's an every night thing, them taking their time getting in the bed. Drives me crazy.

I'm taking the kids to get some winter clothes after school today. I've been wanting to get them winter clothes for a few weeks now, before the cold weather hits, and now I finally have some money to get some of what they need. Thank God it's been mostly warm well into the Fall.

Endless Love

One of our wedding songs.

My husband and I met at a church youth camp in June 1992. We were introduced by a mutual aquaintance and spoke briefly. He lived about three hours from me, but we went to a lot of the same church conferences and conventions across the state and so we saw each other a handful of times each year. We would usually say "hello", make a little small talk for a minute or two, and then be on our separate ways.

As time went by, I could tell that he was interested in me as more than an aquaintance or friend. (He later would tell me that even when he prayed, I would pop into his mind.) In early April 1994, we saw each other at the state youth convention in Durham. After service the group I was with ended up at the same restaurant (Pizza Hut) that Charlie's group was at. When we were all done eating, we spent a little time talking in the parking lot. Charlie called me over to him and asked me out. I told him that we could go out after the next church function, which happened to be Street Praise here in Greensboro a couple weeks later. However, we were with such a large group at the Pizza Inn we went to that I don't count that as our first date.

Our first real date was on April 29th, 1994. We went to a Mexican restaurant here in Greensboro. We were there for a few hours talking. I felt so at ease with him. We talked for a few more hours when we got back to my house. (I lived with my parents). I hated to see him go that night and looked forward to the next time I would see him.

We talked on the phone nearly everyday after that. Then on May 6th, he asked me to marry him and I said "yes". We were married on December 17, 1994.

Nearly fifteen years later, I still love my husband with all my heart. He is my one and only. And he will be mine til death do us part. I love him unconditionally and endlessly.

I hate that he's gone so much. I miss him terribly and am so lonely for him. He tells me he's lonely too. I really hate his job for keeping him away so much and making things hard for us. Hopefully when the economy is more stable he can get a better job. One that keeps him home much more often.

I miss having his arms around me. I lie in bed at night and sometimes pretend that he's there. I miss his hugs and kisses and I miss sex. ;-) When he holds me in his arms, I feel safe and secure and loved.

I miss cooking for him too. It makes me feel good to cook for him. I even think of him when I'm cleaning, thinking that it will make him happy to come home to a decent-looking home. Not perfect or spotless. That's an impossibility. But if I can get our home looking decent with two kids and four animals, I count that as an accomplishment.

I look forward to the day when he will be home again where he belongs and will hold me in his arms again. When I'm in his arms, my life feels complete.

Blog Award

Nancy over at IfEvolutionReallyWorks gave me an award. Aww. Thanks! She has a pretty great blog, so check it out if you haven't yet.

They That Wait...

Have you ever had a feeling that something was about to happen? Maybe you didn't know what or whether it was going to be good or bad, but it was like you could feel something coming.

I've been having that feeling for a couple days now. Now, though I can be a dreamer, I don't have my head so far up in the clouds that I've lost touch with reality. I believe that feelings can be right, but I also know that sometimes that's all it is - nothing more than a feeling. I try to walk by faith more than feeling. Though I also believe that God can be where the feeling came from.

So I guess all one can do at such times is to wait and see. It could be that something is about to happen (I feel like it could be a serious thing, yet ultimately bring about a good change), but it could also just be coming from my desire and need for things to get better. I'm certainly due, in my opinion. I've endured and remained faithful, and done my best to continue doing what I know is right, for what feels like an eternity. Though this situation has "only" lasted for about six months now. Six months of tears and worry and prayer and hurt. Thankfully God gave me peace nearly a week ago.

Before going to bed one night, I cried and prayed. I told God that I couldn't bear it any longer. That I was tired of the heavy burden I was carrying and I asked Him to help me. When I went to bed that night, I didn't feel any better. But when I woke up the next morning, the heaviness was gone and peace had taken its place. (I think I wrote a little about that in a previous entry.) My circumstances haven't changed, that I can see, but the heaviness hasn't returned.

And so I wait. I wait for the change to come that I and my family desperately need. I take life one day at a time and just kind of go with my gut whenever a decision must be made. I pray for wisdom to know what to do and what to say, and to know when to do and say nothing at all.

That can be difficult. To say and do nothing. Especially for someone like me who has so much to say. I know what's right and how things are supposed to be and it's hard not to say what I feel like needs to be said. Sometimes remaining silent does more good than saying, "This is how things are supposed be!" (As opposed to what's being done.) Sometimes I have to bite my tongue (or my fingers, if I'm typing) and trust God to do what I cannot. Sometimes it doesn't matter how right you are.

Maybe that sounds a little arrogant, but there are some situations where the right thing to do is obvious to anyone who has the brains God gave an ant.

*sigh*

In the situation that I am in, I have put things in God's capable hands. I have a feeling that all the things I could say or do, regardless of how right I am, wouldn't actually help things at all. Isn't that something? Sometimes you just have to shut up and be still. Oh, it's hard. Very hard. You think to yourself, "But I'm RIGHT!" Sure, but since when does being right automatically make things better?

"Stand still and know that I am God."

"The battle is not yours. The battle is the Lord's."

You may want to do the fighting yourself, thinking that things aren't happening fast enough for you. If they're happening at all. We humans don't like giving up control. But sometimes (most of the time actually) the best way to get your life under control is by letting go and giving the control to God.

So I will wait and I will trust God to fix what I cannot fix. "Is anything too hard for God?" No. "With God all things are possible."

It ain't over til God says it's over.

Where the title of this entry came from:

Isaiah 40:31
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

All Quiet in TV Land

Charlie asked me to call the cable company and see about getting our bill lowered. (Why they feel the need to continually raise their rates, I'll never know. Greed, I guess.) So being the dutiful, wonderful wife that I try to be (no laughing), I gave them a call. They gave me some deal, with a 2-year contract, that's about $32 less a month than what we were paying. Part of the reason for that lower price is because we dropped our DVR service. Which of course means I can't record any of the shows I normally record while watching other shows or while I'm at church. So I'll have to watch what shows I miss on the internet. :-/

At the end of the phone call, I was told to bring our HDTV w/DVR cable box to the cable company and they would give me a regular HDTV cable box. So after I got Kelly from school today (Mom got Sean when he got out), we went over to the cable company, waited in line, got our new cable box and brought it home. I didn't hook it up right away. I just set it on the TV table and then we went to the park.

Once at the park, we went to the playground that we normally don't go to (because the swings are usually occupied) and swung on the swings for a bit.


After a short while, I noticed a trail we hadn't been on yet and so we went walking. Somehow this trail looked a little different from the other trails. I'm not sure why. (The pictures below don't really show that difference though.) We thought it was pretty cool though (for a trail) and we really enjoyed walking it.


And there was something familiar about it. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The closest I could come was that it kind of reminded me of a few different places all put together. If that makes any sense.

I remember when I was 7 or 8, living in Tulsa, OK, we visited some distant relatives on their farm for Thanksgiving. (They had cows.) Seems like it was a big farm. They had their own trail through the woods on their property. Walking the trail today kind of reminded me of that trail. Probably partly because it's about the same time of year that I walked that trail in Oklahoma.

Other places it brought to mind were the woods behind and around our house in Boiling Spring Lakes, NC, where I lived until we moved to Oklahoma. (We were always in those woods.) And some woods I walked in once outside of Fayetteville, NC. Perhaps it was all the tall pine trees we saw today.

Anyway, we would've walked further than we did if it hadn't been getting late.

On the way back down the trail, we saw three deer. I had heard something walking on leaves that sounded quite a bit heavier than a squirrel, so I told Kelly it might be a deer and to walk quietly. I looked to my left as I walked and sure enough, there was a deer standing among the trees. Then I spoke to Kelly and the deer ran off, followed by two other deer.

It was about 5:20 when we got home from the park. I decided to hook the cable box back up before starting supper. I got all three cables hooked back the way they were on the old box, turned everything on and arrrgghh! The surround sound wasn't working. I thought it was just the sound for the cable, so we were going to watch Penelope while eating supper. But when we sat down to eat and I turned on the Blu-Ray player, no sound! *sigh* And of course Charlie isn't here to help me. :-(

So I turned everything off and ate my supper while on the computer.

I wonder how long it takes for new episodes to show up online. I want to see my shows that I missed tonight. And until Charlie comes home to help me, it looks like I'll be watching all my shows on the internet. :-/

Things I hate or don't understand.

Besides the obvious things such as adultery, murder, drug use, child abuse and molestation, animal abuse, spousal abuse, rape and alcoholism, these are some of the things I hate or just don't understand.

Lying: People usually lie out of fear. I get that. Not that I'm okay with it, but I get it. What I don't get is when someone begins lying about many things (or one or two big things) to someone who trusts them implicitly. There's no excuse for that.

Selfishness: I really don't like it when a person begins putting themselves ahead of everyone else. Especially their spouse and/or children. We all need "me" time, but there's a difference between taking a little time for yourself each day and putting your own desires and plans ahead of what others need.

Eventually you're going to have to face the ones you've stepped on on your way out or up.

Cruelty/Coldheartedness: I don't think I'll ever understand those who willingly hurt others. Whether it be physically or emotionally.

Bad driving: More specifically, speeding (especially in school zones), tailgating and going under the speed limit. Grrr.

Arrogance: You're not as great as you think you are.

Rudeness: Really, how hard is it to act mannerly? Say "please" and "thank you", let other drivers in who are trying to merge or change lanes, hold doors open for people, don't blow your nose around people who are trying to eat.

Sneakiness: Not the fun kind, such as birthday surprises or what have you. I'm talking about doing things in secret that you know are wrong and you don't want to get caught doing. Talk about a trust killer. Be sure your sins will find you out. The truth always comes out in the end.

Self-saboteurs: What kind of thought processes are going on the in the brains of those who by all accounts have everything a person could ask for (employment, loving spouse, beautiful kids, bills paid, decent home, etc.), but decide to throw it all away? Some more than once. Either with drugs or alcohol or just walking out without warning or cause. And then they usually blame it on someone else. My brain can't comprehend that kind of behavior.

Take responsibility for your own actions and attitude and straighten up.

Negativity and doubt: We probably all know someone who is negative about nearly everything. Maybe you are one of those people. lol I know someone whose motto should be, "I doubt that's going to happen." He/she says this about nearly every good or hopeful thing that someone else says. For people like me who are usually positive-thinking, full-of-faith, look-on-the-bright-side kind of people, this is very frustrating.

These types can also be (or attempt to be) dream killers. You share a dream with them of hoping to someday travel to Europe or maybe starting your own business or whatever and they say something about being surprised if that ever happens. Nice.

Unfairness: This covers many things, I know, but the unfairness I'm thinking of comes from those who get upset when you can't read their minds and know exactly what they want. Then they pout and stomp off, and hold a grudge against you, because they didn't get what they want. But when you try to work with them, they're uncooperative and act like it's too late now so don't bother. Very immature.

Like the Bible says, you have not because you ask not. There's a saying that goes, "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it." Well, be careful what you don't ask for, you just might not get it. And it'll be nobody's fault but your own.

I could talk about many more things that I hate or don't understand if I thought about it long enough, but I'll stop here.

What?

My dog Pippin had to go out to potty this afternoon. I was standing at the end of our porch, leash in hand, not exactly looking my most presentable in an orange T-shirt and aqua sweats. (Yeah, I know. Those colors don't really go together so well.) I saw a car coming down our street and when it got just about in front of our house, the man driving it slowed down and hollered something out the window to me. I said, "What?" And he repeated himself.

"No smoking. I'm going to tell your husband on you."

Huh? What does that even mean?

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In other news, yesterday was a very good day for me emotionally. I don't know why, but I just felt good all day. As if I didn't have a care in the world, in spite of my circumstances. I still feel pretty good today. I don't know how long it's going to last, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

Our Evening; Prayer Appreciated

The kids and I went to the park yesterday after getting Sean from school. (He gets out more than an hour later than Kelly.) Since the sun goes down earlier now, we stayed less than an hour. It was pleasantly cool out.

We went to one of the playgrounds first where Sean and Kelly played for a bit before we walked down to the lake. (One of four in the park.) They threw rocks into the water and watched the geese. When I saw Kelly chasing one of the geese I told her to stop scaring the poor thing.

A couple of the geese walk with limps. We saw one limping with fishing line trailing behind it from one of its feet. We felt awful about that. As we walked along the shore, we saw a lot of fishing line that had been left behind by unthinking fishermen. So the kids and I got up all the fishing line we saw and threw it away. Someone had even left behind a spool of it, with part of the line wrapped several times around a cypress knee. There were also a few wads of it lying around and some hanging from a tree. All of which we threw away.

Keep North Carolina clean and beautiful, people! And don't leave things behind that can hurt others or wildlife.

Anyway, as we were about to leave, I got a taste for Subway and even though I don't have a lot of money at the moment, I decided that that's what we'd have for supper. The kids were happy about that and it made me feel good to make them happy.

After getting our subs and chips, we came home and ate while watching the episode of The Amazing Race that I had DVR'd Sunday night while we were at church. I had already seen it later that night, but hadn't deleted it so that the kids could see it.

When we were done eating, I helped Kelly with her homework, talked with Mom a bit when she came over, and then the kids and I watched the premiere of the show V. I loved the original back in the 80s. I can remember my brother and I playing V. I would put on a red long-sleeved shirt, red skirt (I seem to recall that skirt being kind of itchy) and black boots. I guess that made me one of the "Visitors". Or maybe I was just a human pretending to be a Visitor because I don't remember being one of the bad guys.

When the kids were finally in bed, I did some channel surfing, watching a little of HGTV in the process, while waiting for one of my new favorites to come on at 10:00 - The Good Wife. Really good show.

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The kids got their report cards on Monday. Sean got A's, B's and one C (in Social Studies) - just missing A/B honor roll. Kelly got A's, B's and Satisfactories.

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For anyone who's been reading my blog for at least a week, perhaps you've read my past entries about how I've been going through a very difficult time for awhile now. It's still "going" and I'm still hanging in there. As I said in a previous entry, I don't cry as often now, but I still cry sometimes. I want so much for things to be good again. I'm trying to trust God (Psalm 4) to fix things and I pray all the time. Sometimes long, deep prayers. Mostly though just prayers I pray as I'm going about my day.

My kids don't know what's wrong or that anything is even troubling me. I try to be as normal as I can around them. I don't want them to worry or cry, so keeping them happy and doing well is a priority. Which is probably why something as small as them being happy about getting Subway made me feel good.

Also these past few days the pain in and around my ovaries has increased a bit. Usually a dull, constant ache (as it is now) with sudden stabbing and/or twisting pains that at times scare me a little. I got one while typing this entry that I would describe as being like lightning - a sort of flash or snap of pain that ran all the way across my lower abdomen in the ovary and uterus area. It honestly scared me a little to the point of causing me to breathe heavily as I waited to see if the pain was going to escalate, possibly meaning a cyst had burst. (I have PCOS, for those who don't know or have forgotten.) I've had a cyst burst before and I was literally doubled over in pain for two or three days.

Anyway, I know my blog entries aren't always full of sunshine. I apologize for that. I do try to keep the less than sunshiney entries to a minimum. But sometimes you just have to get things out, even if you aren't giving a lot of details about what's going on.

If anyone reading this believes in prayer, say a prayer for me and my family. I appreciate it.