SAHM, Can Your Husband Afford You?

A couple weeks ago, a Facebook friend shared a really good article at a blog called We Are Glory. The blog is written by a man and the title of the article is "Fathers, You Can't Afford a Stay-at-Home Mom". Myself and my SAHM friends loved it.

I loved it not because I feel unappreciated by my husband (I do feel appreciated) and not because I want some sort of financial compensation, but because of my own feelings about myself. More about that at the end of this entry.

My favorite parts:

"I am in no way trying to simplify, objectify, or devalue the priceless love of a mother for her child. But let’s be real. Pay day feels good for a reason. Because you’re seeing your hard work appreciated in a tangible way that lets you “treat yo self”. And this is exactly why I can’t afford my wife being a Stay-At-Home Mom. The national average weekly salary for a full-time nanny is $705. That’s $36,660 a year."

"Picking up the apartment is part in parcel with keeping the place presentable. Not to mention the natural progression of dirty dishes, dusting, vacuuming, etc., etc. So assuming you want the place to stay relatively clean, especially whenever you have people over, you’re looking at $100 per week at the bare minimum to stay presentable. That adds up to a whopping $5,200 (again, excluding the extra deep cleaning, or quick pick up for hosting company)."

"Does your wife ever run errands for you? Buy the groceries? Get you a new pack of white undershirts? Personal shoppers on average run around $65 an hour. (That’s excluding the couple thousand dollar membership fee required to utilize their services.) Average the amount of time spent at the grocery stores or department stores per week at 4 hours and you’re looking at around $260, and that’s an extremely conservative average. That’s $13,520 a year."

"A personal chef, preparing 2 servings of 5 meals can run from $400 and up. So assuming your Stay-At-Home wife prepares even a few meals a week, you’re looking at around $240 at least per week. That’s $12,480 a year."

"Looking objectively at an almost insultingly conservative average of the services rendered, I cannot afford my wife. And let’s remember, there’s no sick leave with childcare, there’s no paid time off, there’s no 401(k)."

"My wife sometimes feels patronized when I ask her permission to buy something for myself. She feels like it’s my money and my name on the paycheck so I shouldn’t have to ask permission to get myself something every once in a while. 

"The truth is, I’m ashamed of any time I’ve ever made her feel guilty or humored when she’s purchased something for herself. I’m ashamed that she has ever felt like she doesn’t have just as much right to our income as I do. The fact of the matter is that our income doesn’t even come close to covering what she does for our family. I would have to make over 100K to even begin to be able to cover my living expenses as well as employ my wife as a Stay-At-Home Mom!"

"In short, I can’t afford for my wife to stay at home. And I’ve tragically failed to show my wife the appreciation that she deserves. She loves me, loves our son, and loves our family, so obviously she isn’t doing any of those things for a paycheck or even for recognition. But it certainly doesn’t hurt to know that as a Stay-At-Home Mom her appraised salary is nearly double my actual income. So in a very weird way, this is my way of saying how much I value my wife as the mother of my child and the one who always has my back no matter what. You are more precious than rubies. And I can’t afford you."

Stay-at-Home moms who may read this, your work has value whether you get a paycheck or not. I hope your husbands appreciate all you do as much as this guy appreciates his wife and as much as my husband appreciates me. We put enough pressure on ourselves and criticize ourselves enough without having our husbands pressure and criticize us, too.

I never feel like I do enough or that I am  enough for my husband and kids. I feel like they deserve more and better than I give them. Even when I do more and give more, I still don't feel like I've reached the point of doing and giving as much as they deserve. (I'm not saying they don't make me feel appreciated. This has nothing to do with how they make me feel.) I love them beyond words, beyond expression of any kind, and love is the reason I believe they are deserving of so much more. It's not based on what they do. It's based on the love I have for them. Love I want so much to express fully, but just haven't been able to quite do. I reckon when I'm old and gray, lying on my death bed (if the Lord tarries and assuming I live to a ripe, old age), I'll probably still feel like I didn't do enough and wish that I could live just a little bit longer so that I could keep trying to give more.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this Sunday and there's only one thing I want. It's something I've wanted for the past 7 or 8 years, but have yet to get. My husband in church with me and our kids. It's the greatest desire of my heart, to have my husband in church with us on Mother's Day and every church service after that until we die or Jesus returns. Whichever comes first. :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now some quotes about mothers.

"The career of motherhood and homemaking is beyond value and needs no justification. Its importance is incalculable." -- Katherine Shor

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." -- Agatha Christie

"I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me 'mommy.' " -- Author Unknown

"I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my carefree head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise."
-- Meredith Gray

"One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters." -- George Herbert

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." -- Sophia Loren

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" -- Milton Berle

"The woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home, filling it with love and prayer and purity, is doing something better than anything else her hands could find to do beneath the skies." -- J.R. Miller

"I've carried a child within my body. I've slept with a baby on my chest. I have kissed boo boos, mended broken hearts, been puked and peed on, and spent sleepless nights in a rocking chair. But I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror I see a Mom, and there is no greater blessing."

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant." -- Jane Sellman

 "The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." -- Honoré de Balzac

 "An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy." -- Spanish Proverb

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along." -- Margaret Culkin Banning

 "The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven."
-- William Goldsmith Brown

"The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests." -- Author Unknown 

"A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all." -- Washington Irving

"Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother. " -- Moorish Proverb

Immodestly Dressed Children

This commercial bugs me:



I'm sure many of you have seen it. What bugs me about it? That the mother is okay with her daughter wearing a short skirt and smiles approvingly at her daughter when she's able to wear that short skirt again. Yeah, I know she's also happy that she was able to get the stain out, but dang, that's one short skirt. The girl is obviously supposed to be under 18. Why would any mother be okay with their daughter showing that much skin? Dad should've just thrown the skirt out or burned it.

"Come on! It's just a commercial!", you might be saying to yourself. But it's also a sad reality. Too many mothers are allowing their daughters to dress that way and worse. (Yes, there's worse. Have you seen some of the things they're selling in the girls' departments at clothing stores? Especially Juniors, but also younger.) There's enough pressure on our kids to be sexual and show off their bodies. They need their parents to teach them right from wrong, not go along with what society or the media or fashion designers push on them. We have to stand against the immorality of this world, regardless of how "acceptable" society thinks that immorality is.

Another thing that bugs me about the commercial is the look the mom gives the dad. Can men sometimes do things that annoy us or even infuriate us? Absolutely. But I don't blame that dad one bit for wanting to ruin his daughter's mini skirt. They make dad look like a baffoon or a fuddy duddy. (Does anyone say "fuddy duddy" anymore?) All because he doesn't want his daughter showing off her body.

We need to guard our children against the idea that it's okay for them to show their bodies or be sexual. It is not okay. It's up to us as parents, if we want to be good parents and raise our children right, to teach them that this is not okay.

Yeah, all this because of a commercial. :-)

Tidbits and Quotes

No school again today. Secondary roads are still covered with ice. Spring Break will be very short as a result of missing school this week. Temperatures are supposed to be above freezing, so maybe some of the ice will actually melt today. I expect there to be school tomorrow with maybe a 2-hour delay, but we'll see.


I don't understand people who apparently think, "As long as I'm happy I don't care how anyone else feels. Not even family."


I usually do the grocery shopping on Fridays, but I may wait until Saturday or Sunday this week if I can. Temperatures are still only going to be in the 30s on Friday. Saturday should be around 40° and Sunday close to 50°.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A home is built on the foundation of love, commitment and a shared history. It is decorated with forgiveness, acceptance, rituals, discipline and mutual support."

"I've carried a child within my body. I've slept with a baby on my chest. I have kissed boo-boos, mended broken hearts, been puked on and peed on, and spent sleepless nights in a rocking chair. But I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror I see a Mom, and there is no greater blessing."

"What is love? Love is when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows. And yet in the end, that one person does not think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does. Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning." -- Marvin Sapp

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” -- Peter Ustinov

"Do I work? Yes! I work 24 hours a day. Why? Because I'm a mom! I am a chef, a cleaner, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a counselor, a nurse, a handy-woman, a maid, a bodyguard, a comforter and more. I don't get holidays, sick pay or a day off. I work through the day and the night. I am on call at all hours. Now tell me my job isn't a real one!!"

Just a Mother?

I'm sure you've all read this before. I was reading a blog earlier that reminded me of this story. I had to search online for it, but found it eventually. Comments to follow.

A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.

"Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer (and I didn't really have one handy) she blurted out the reason for her question.

It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation ... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder loudly.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"And what is your occupation?" she asked. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most important words.

Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Cooly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it), and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood ... what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door.


This is a good story, except for this one part of it: "I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another mother.'"

I personally can't think of any job more indispensable than "mother". There are a few that are equally indispensable, but none greater or more indispensable.

"The career of motherhood and homemaking is beyond value and needs no justification. It's importance is incalculable." -- Katherine Shor

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." -- Agatha Christie

"I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my carefree head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise."
-- Meredith Gray

"Motherhood is not for the faint-hearted. Frogs, skinned knees, and the insults of teenage girls are not meant for the wimpy." -- Danielle Steel

"One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters." -- George Herbert

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." -- Sophia Loren


Being a mother is my greatest calling in life. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing than taking care of my children and our home.

Songs for my Children

While I was cooking supper last night (spaghetti), a song I used to sing to my kids when they were babies came on. As it always does whenever I happen to hear it, it brought tears to my eyes. I sang it to them most often when I was rocking them to sleep or while they were in their cribs.

There were many songs I sang to them. Most of them old hymns ("Because He Lives", "Amazing Grace") and songs we sang at church. It was so many years ago that I can't remember all the songs I sang to them. I sang to them every night up until they were about four or five years old. Sean especially liked it and whenever I would get done singing a number of songs, he would ask me to sing to him again.

The song I heard while cooking was "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. I know it's more of a couples' love song, but I feel like it can also be from a mother or father to their children. Especially the chorus and second verse.

It's your love.
Just does something to me.
Sends a shot right through me.
I can't get enough.
And if you wonder
About the spell I'm under,
Oh, it's your love.

Verse II

Better than I was, more than I am.
And all of this happened by taking your hand.
And who I am now is who I wanted to be.
And now that we're together I'm stronger than ever,
I'm happy and free.

Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
Don't think I can keep it all in.
If you ask me why I've changed,
All I've gotta do is say your sweet name.

Chorus

It's your love.
Just does something to me.
Sends a shot right through me.
I can't get enough.
And if you wonder,
About the spell I'm under.
Oh, it's your love.



There was also a song I sang just for Kelly and one I sang just for Sean. Kelly's song was "Could You be the Most Beautiful Girl in the World". (I only sang the chorus. "Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world? It's plain to see, you're the reason that God made a girl.") For Sean, I sang "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch" (again, just the chorus) because I called him my Sugar Lump and my Honey Lump when he was a baby. (Kelly was my Love Dove.) As he got a little older, I sang the chorus of "Beautiful Boy". ("Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful boy.") Seems like I also had a made-up song for each of them, since making up songs (usually very silly ones) is something I've always done, but I can't remember what they were or how they went.





Below is the Richard Dreyfus version of "Beautiful Boy" from Mr. Holland's Opus. No, he's not the best singer, but this scene in the movie is so moving (it always makes me cry), I wanted to use it instead of John Lennon's version.

Family

Found in Google images.

These are quotes about family that I recently came across. I hope y'all like them.

"Family life is too intimate to be preserved by the spirit of justice. It can be sustained by a spirit of love which goes beyond justice." -- Reinhold Niebuhr

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." -- Charles R. Swindoll

"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich." -- Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "Identity Crisis," M*A*S*H

"It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons." -- Johann Schiller

"The family is a haven in a heartless world." -- Attributed to Christopher Lasch

"When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." -- Joyce Brothers

"Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." -- Paul Pearshall

"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." -- George Eliot

"At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable." -- Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

“The love of a family is life's greatest blessing”

“No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?” -- Elbert Hubbard

“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.”

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” -- Theodore Hesburgh

“No man on his death bed ever looked up into the eyes of his family and friends and said, 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office.' "

“The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.” -- Ring Lardner

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it." -- George Moore

"Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing." -- Jim Rohn

Wives and Mothers

"When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"A perfect wife is one who doesn't expect a perfect husband." -- Author Unknown

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -- Oscar Wilde

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." -- Agatha Christie

"I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me 'mommy.' " -- Author Unknown

"I thought my mom's whole purpose was to be my mom. That's how she made me feel." -- Natasha Gregson Wagner

"I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my [carefree] head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise."
-- Meredith Gray

"Motherhood is not for the faint-hearted. Frogs, skinned knees, and the insults of teenage girls are not meant for the wimpy." -- Danielle Steel

"One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters." -- George Herbert

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." -- Sophia Loren

"Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering." -- Elaine Heffner

“The house does not rest upon the ground, but upon a woman.” -- Mexican Proverb

Husbands and Fathers

"A man should never neglect his family for business." -- Walt Disney

"A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child." -- Knights of Pythagoras

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." -- Author Unknown

"Dads don't need to be tall and broad-shouldered and clever. Love makes them so." -- Pam Brown

"His heritage to his children wasn't words or possessions, but an unspoken treasure, the treasure of his example as a man and a father." -- Will Rogers Jr.

"It is a wise father that knows his own child." -- William Shakespeare

"It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for the father who takes his daughter shopping." -- John Sinor

"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father." -- Pope John XXIII

"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance." -- Ruth E. Renkel

"The first man a little girl falls in love with is her dad." -- Author Unknown

"The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart." -- Mencius

"I would say that the surest measure of a man's or a woman's maturity is the harmony, style, joy, and dignity he creates in his marriage, and the pleasure and inspiration he provides for his spouse." -- Benjamin McLane Spock

My Mother's Day and Being a Mom

My Mother's Day was pretty much an ordinary day for me. My kids did get me a pretty bunch of yellow and white flowers (thanks to my mom) and a lovely card on Saturday. My mom got me a nice card as well. Charlie has been in Texas and Oklahoma for a few months now. He gave me some money that I'll spend sometime.

This one came out blurry. The white rose, mentioned a few paragraphs down, is on the left.

I stayed up late (what else is new?) Saturday night listening to/watching some preaching online. (A video someone had uploaded to the internet.) The minister preached from Mark 16:15-18 about the power we have in Jesus. It was a very good message.

I slept in yesterday and stayed in bed for awhile. Not only because it was Mother's Day, but because I wasn't feeling too well. I've had a headache off and on since Thursday night, and now I have a bit of a sore throat.

When I finally got up, I did a little cleaning (litter boxes and vacuuming) and got laundry started. I'm still working on that as I type this.

Kelly wrote me a couple Mother's Day notes, even though she and Sean had already given me a card. Very sweet. And Sean came home from my mom's with a white rose for me. :-)

Being a mom is the most important work I could ever do. I love my children with everything that is in me and I want very much for them to have a good life. And by that I don't necessarily mean material possessions. They need and deserve, as all children do, to be raised in a home by their mother and father. They need us to be an example to them of what home and marriage and parenting and love and commitment are supposed to be. I'm doing my best to not only teach them these things, but to also show them. We must lead by example. Words and promises mean nothing if your actions don't back it up. Actions speak louder than words.

I'm not a perfect mother. Many times I feel like my kids deserve better than me. I'm not abusive or neglectful, but I want the best for them and I don't feel like I'm the best at anything really. But, I am the mother God chose for them, and since He knows best I'll try to trust Him that He knew what He was doing when He chose me for them. :-)

Mothers

“By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class.” -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" -- Milton Berle

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." -- Tenneva Jordan

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after." -- Peter De Vries

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant." -- Jane Sellman

"The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men - from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." -- Honoré de Balzac

"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy." -- Spanish Proverb

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along." -- Margaret Culkin Banning

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." -- Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own." -- Aristotle

"Women are aristocrats, and it is always the mother who makes us feel that we belong to the better sort." -- John Lancaster Spalding

"Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials." -- Meryl Streep

"The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven."
-- William Goldsmith Brown

"The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests." -- Author Unknown

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." -- Washington Irving

"A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all." -- Washington Irving

"One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters." -- George Herbert

"Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved." -- Erich Fromm

"Mother's love grows by giving." -- Charles Lamb

"It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it." -- From the television show The Golden Girls

"Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother. " -- Moorish Proverb

"A man's work is from sun to sun, but a mother's work is never done." -- Author Unknown

Motherhood

Mothers have been hearing for a few years now that we need to make sure to take time for ourselves. Don't keep yourself at the bottom of your list of priorities. A happy wife makes for a happy life. Having a little "me time" everyday helps you keep your sanity.

But then you also read about mothers who are doing this and that for their kids, running here, running there, signing their kids up for this or that activity, spending little to no time on the internet or whatever activity they enjoy alone. All focus is on their kids and it can make you feel selfish for taking time for yourself. To me there appears to be two different messages out there.

But then maybe that's just me.

I do take time for myself everyday. I really need it to keep my sanity. Not because of my kids, but because of what I've been going through for almost a year now. Though I feel guilty for taking time for myself each day, I feel like if I didn't I would've lost my mind long ago.

I spend time on the internet and I read almost everyday. But I also cook good meals, clean our home, do laundry, and take my kids to the park to walk the trails or play on the playground or go fishing or play tennis.

I make sure our pets are fed and the dog is taken out, bathe the dog and cut his hair.

I help Kelly with her homework (Sean always gets his done at school) and help Sean with school projects.

I make sure we have food in the fridge and the pantry, buy clothes and shoes for my kids when they need them (something I hardly ever get to do for myself), do little things for my kids like rent movies and games or take them out to eat or buy them a book they're wanting once in awhile or cook something special for them when they ask for it.

I make sure the kids shower regularly (they love to shower once they're there, it's just getting them to get in) and brush their teeth. I brush and style Kelly's beautiful, long hair.

We read our Bibles together sometimes and I explain its teachings to them and talk about Bible stories. I also tell them about things God has done for me and others.

I doctor boo-boos and nurse my kids when they're sick. (Something we had more than our share of a couple months ago.) I take them to the doctor when they're sick or hurt and for well check-ups.

I pray for my kids every morning after I drop them off at their schools and every night before I go to bed. And of course I pray for my husband every night and throughout the day.

My family is my life.

I'm not saying all this to brag on myself. That's not the point. The point is, even though most of my focus is on my family and most of what I do is for them, I still feel guilty (sometimes only a little, sometimes a lot) for taking time for myself each day. The guilt doesn't stop me though because I recognize how much I need it.

Am I the only wife and mother who feels this way? Guilty while taking time for myself, yet still taking time for myself. It's kind of an odd place to be mentally and emotionally. Those mixed feelings. Or maybe it's just me that's odd. ;-)

Things might be getting better now finally.

After I finally got myself off the computer yesterday evening, the kids and I left the house to get some food from Arby's and Bojangles. I got gas first (it was very low), then it was on to Arby's for Kelly and then Bojangles for Sean and me.

Kelly only ate a few bites of her sandwich, but it was something. She was drinking more than she has been though, thank God.

Around 9:00 PM or so, I checked her temperature again and it was 100.5°. It hasn't been below 101° in days. I never thought I'd be glad to see one of my kids have a temperature of 100.5°. I then got Kelly in the bath and washed her long, beautiful hair for her. I know it had to feel good.

The kids and I watched the first X-Men movie on Blu-Ray (after watching What Not to Wear and some of the Olympics) and I made some fried potatoes using the five small remaining potatoes I had. (Yeah, I know, we ate such healthy food last night. I did eat an apple before eating the potatoes. lol) Sean's been wanting me to make them again for a couple days now.

For some reason I wasn't really in a hurry to get my kids in the bed. I don't know why. I just wanted them with me, even though it was getting very late. They enjoyed staying up late with me. Especially since I hardly ever let them.

Speaking of staying up late, I normally do anyway. I've been a night owl pretty much all my life. But with Kelly being so sick and taking naps during the day because the sickness made her so tired, her schedule has been pretty much non-existent. It's felt like having a new baby in the house again. Only without the bottles and the diapers and the spit-up.

When I'd normally be going to bed because I finally really felt tired, I've been staying up to watch Kelly. Either she'd be awake because she was too miserable to sleep or because she had napped during the day and gotten herself a little mixed up. Not that she could help it. And then when she'd finally get in the bed for the last time, after getting up a few times, I'd stay up a little longer to be sure she was really asleep. Then I'd check on her to make sure she was alright before going to bed myself.

I wished that I could stay up 24/7 with her being so sick. I worried (as I did when Sean had pneumonia) that something would happen or that she would need me for something while I was sleeping, and that I wouldn't hear her right away, if at all.

What can I say? I'm a mom. Worrying comes with the job.

We'll be getting the groceries today. I'm praying Kelly's temperature stays low enough that she's not too uncomfortable while we're out. Hopefully she won't have a fever at all.

Motherhood and Guilt

I started feeling unwell a couple days before Thanksgiving, but being a mom and also having to cook Thanksgiving dinner (and not having my husband around to help me), I wasn't able to rest as much as I needed to.

By Sunday I was completely wiped out. I had absolutely no energy and ended up staying in bed for a good part of the day. I did get up from time to time to check on things, but most of my time was spent in bed until late afternoon.

Like many moms, I was filled with guilt for being in bed when I "should" have been up conquering the world. :-/

*sigh*

Why can't we take care of ourselves, which sometimes means staying in bed for a day, without feeling guilty? Why do we think we don't deserve it or that we should be able to do all that needs to be done without taking a long rest for ourselves?

Our husbands and children can stay in bed all day and night when they're sick and they don't feel bad about that at all (though my husband probably would, if he ever took a sick day, because he hates lying around doing nothing), and neither do we. It's perfectly understandable and expected for them to rest and do nothing for as long as necessary until they're well again. But for some reason we can't allow ourselves that same necessary rest without feeling guilty. As if by allowing our bodies to recuperate we're somehow failing as a wife or mother while we're snuggled up in our beds.

Though being snuggled up in your bed doesn't always mean that you're actually comfortable. Not if your head feels like it's about to explode or your body is aching.

So while I was lying in bed most of the day, sleeping off and on, I couldn't help but think of the things I "should've" been doing instead of resting my sick, weary body. Cooking, cleaning, watching the kids (though I did check on them every hour or so), and going to church. I especially hated to miss church. But I'm not SuperMom. I'm just a regular, flawed, weak little woman who can only do so much. If I can't look past my faults, I hope my family can. I hope that they don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

We are our own worst critics, aren't we? Especially those of us who are mothers. We love our kids so much, and our husbands, that we don't want to fail them in any way. And so we sometimes push ourselves too far. I had done all I could do while I was sick until my body said, "Enough!", and forced me to take a day of rest. I literally had no energy and felt like my legs were going to collapse underneath me.

My energy didn't fully return, or mostly return anyway, until yesterday. I was finally able to get some things done that really needed doing. And I also made a delicious beef stew. :-)

And best of all, I get to go to church tonight. The weather is yucky (chilly rain), but I don't care. I need to go. I've really missed it these past couple weeks while Kelly and I have been sick. Sean has been the lucky one and not gotten sick. Which is unusual because he usually gets sick right along with us.

Anyway, I suppose if we didn't listen to our bodies and rest when we needed to we might end up in the hospital. Resting at home and letting things sit for a day or two is better than wearing ourselves down so much, trying to keep everything in order and get everything done while being sick, that we need medical attention.

I also deal with guilt when it comes to buying things. What I mean is, my funds have been cut and so I have to be choosy when it comes to what necessities I can afford each week. "Do I get Sean a couple shirts for school or do I get Kelly a coat?" (Or whatever the choice may be for any particular week.) I feel bad not being able to get my kids all they need and for choosing the need of one over the need of the other. (Then choosing the other the following week).

And then I feel bad when I think about my own needs. There are things I need that I've been putting off while getting my kids what they need and then I feel guilty when I think about how much I need the things I need. Not that I would rather buy things for myself. It's just that I feel guilty for just thinking about what I need, even though I'm not buying things for myself, when I'm still trying to get my kids what they need.

Was that clear?

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Now there's one aspect of motherhood I'd rather not be familiar with. Because when you look at these situations logically, there's really no reason to feel guilty. But we do. And that's just another "hazard of the job". :-/

Working moms, Financial security?, Sex

I found an interesting article at MSNBC about how middle class mothers and fathers are doing financially. Most of what's written there is from the book The Two-Income Trap: Why Middle Class Mothers and Fathers Are Going Broke by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi.

Click here.

It gets especially interesting to me starting at the second paragraph after "Unseen Dangers", about halfway down the page.

Another interesting article: Click.

And another: Click.

Working moms and sex: Click.

"When women are tired and stressed, often the first thing they give up is sex, says Pirak. “They’re happy to give it up, because it’s like another chore.

“It’s different for men. Men will give up communication or hobbies before they’ll give up sex, because for so many men, sex is easy, whereas for women, it’s typically not. It takes them longer to achieve an orgasm. For men, it’s a form of relaxation and relief.”

Funny. Didn't I just say something like this a few entries ago? I'm pretty sure I did. :-)

I think I'll stop there for now with the articles.

To Be A Mom

To Be a Mom

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for child-care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell.

She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that toilet.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Author: Unknown