Lovely October

I took the kids to the park after school yesterday. The weather was pleasant (around 65°) with the occasional gentle breeze. We were there for close to two hours. The kids played on the playground for a little bit before we went walking down one of the trails. As usual, I took pictures. Some of which came out blurry. Grr. I need a better camera.


One of the great things about living in North Carolina is that the weather normally stays nice throughout October and sometimes into November, allowing for outdoor activities to continue even after summer is over. I hate cold weather and I'm dreading the inevitable cool down. We still get the occasional nice day in the winter though. That's always nice. Like the 70-degree Christmas we had once. And seems like nearly every January we get one or two days in the 70s. Or at least it's been that way the past couple years. I hope it happens again this winter.

I feel myself in the beginnings of a ramble, so I better stop now.

This and That

Friday: Got groceries and took the kids to Mario's Pizza for supper. Rented several movies - Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (it was okay, but a little speech Matthew McConaughey made towards the end made me cry), Monsters vs. Aliens, the second Transformers movie, My Life in Ruins (eh), Wolverine, and Land of the Lost (not for kids!).

I went to my friend Mary's house that evening. The kids and I stayed pretty late (left at nearly midnight), but I had a good visit with her. Her oldest daughter (4 year old Hope) was at her grandma's house. Kelly played with Hope's Barbies a little. Sean spent most of his time playing games on their laptop. Mary's youngest (5 month old Grace) is such a good, sweet baby. She seemed to really like me. She smiled at me a lot and sometimes laughed at me.

Saturday: Cleaning and laundry. Good times.

Sunday: Church. I really need the strength and encouragment I get by going. Especially these past few months. After church that night, we got food from Bojangle's (for Sean) and Subway and brought it home to eat.

Monday: Teacher workday. No school. Sean had spent the night with Mom Sunday night since she was off yesterday and so he wasn't home. At nearly 4:00, Kelly and I went to Hagan Stone Park (it's like my other sanctuary; it soothes me). It was chilly and cloudy, but I really enjoyed being there. We were there for nearly two hours. I took over 80 pictures! I posted most of them at Facebook.


It was while taking pictures that I decided that I need a better camera. I just am not satisfied with the quality of my pictures. They either turn out too light or too dark or fuzzy or blurry much of the time. I really enjoy taking pictures and I very much want for my pictures to turn out beautifully. These desires have made me think that maybe I could become an actual photographer. Get a really good quality camera, take some classes and maybe take some pictures that are good enough to sell. *shrug* It's a thought.

Anyway, they were having races (high school, I believe) at the park. I was surprised as I thought they only did that on Saturdays. It wasn't what I'd call overly crowded though. We were there when the races began and we were there as the runners crossed the finished line and were applauded by those who had come to support them.

When we got home at nearly 6:00, I got supper started. I was craving spaghetti and it really hit the spot. I almost got too full.

Today: I had a parent/teacher conference after school with Kelly's teachers. (She has two.) They said that she's very sweet, conscientious, tries hard, is well behaved, participates in discussions and that I've done a good job with her. :-) She has a high B in Math, though her Math teacher said that it could go up. She has an A in everything else.

Day Trip

We got a later start to our trip than was originally planned because I had been up late last night writing a long and important email (and I always do a lot of editing before sending emails of that kind) and then when I did go to bed, I had a hard time going to sleep. *sigh* So I was up at 8:00 instead of 7:00. (Though I actually woke up about 10-15 minutes before the alarm.) I ended up getting only about 4½ hours sleep.

We ate breakfast at Cracker Barrel before getting on the highway. We like to take I-40 to Winston-Salem, go up Hwy. 52 north a little into Virginia where 52 meets up with the Blue Ridge Parkway. Then we head south towards Boone, NC, stopping at many overlooks along the way.

It was a beautiful day. Absolutely perfect. The leaves were mostly past peak, with the leaves in the valleys not yet at peak I don't think, but the weather was so gorgeous we didn't really care. It was in the low to mid 70s with a lovely breeze and almost completely clear skies. Only the occasional wispy cloud. We kept commenting on how beautiful the day was.

As I said, we stopped at many overlooks. Fox Hunters Paradise, Air Bellows, Stone Mountain, Mahogany Rock, Bluff Mountain, Alligator Back, Mt. Jefferson and a few others. I took a lot of pictures. There were a lot of ladybugs at some of the overlooks we stopped at. Especially at the Stone Mountain overlook.

Sean and Kelly at Fox Hunters Paradise overlook.

Fox Hunters Paradise overlook. Pilot Mountain is in the far distance, left of center.

Air Bellows overlook. Christmas tree farm(s).

Stone Mountain overlook.

Stone Mountain overlook.

We called this a Halloween tree. Located at Stone Mountain overlook.

Mahogany Rock overlook.

View of Stone Mountain from across the road from the Mahogany Rock overlook.

At Bluff Mountain overlook, there's access to a trail. We've walked it before and walked it again today. Well, part of it. There was no time to walk the whole thing. It's very pretty with all its lovely trees. I just love trees.


Towards the end of our walk, my mom jokingly said that she couldn't believe I made her walk that. lol Her knees were hurting her and my thighs were hurting me, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

At Alligator Back overlook, there were some high rocks that we climbed. It was an easy climb of course. We wouldn't have climbed something too difficult or dangerous. I took several pictures at Alligator Back.

That's Sean's head at the bottom of the picture. :-/

You can see Kelly on the left.

Somewhere along the Parkway, about 30 minutes or so outside of Boone, you come to the Northwest Trading Post. We always stop there. Kelly got an amethyst bracelet, Sean got some kind of aviation art kit, Mom got a brownie (she said her blood sugar was getting low) and I got a jar of honey (I've been craving it) and a small loaf of pumpkin bread.

Mt. Jefferson is a favorite overlook of mine. It's just so beautiful to me. I took several pictures there as well.


As we got close to Boone the Parkway was closed and we had to take a detour. We saw many Christmas tree farms along the detour route, just as we'd seen a lot of them along the Parkway.


It was after 3:00 when we got into Boone. We went to the Dan'l Boone Inn Restaurant, a place I've loved for years, for an early supper. They serve your food family style. There are no menus. Just one set price, all you can eat. (Except for the country ham biscuits, which I love and always bring home with me. As a matter of fact, I just finished eating them as I was typing this paragraph.) They always serve fried chicken (which was a little dry this time), salisbury steak, corn, green beans, biscuits, country ham biscuits (yum!), cole slaw, mashed potatoes and gravy, and stewed apples. Then you get your choice of two or three desserts. Today's choices were chocolate cake (what I got), strawberry shortcake (what Mom and Kelly got) and banana pudding.

With very happy bellies, we got back on the road and headed home. When we were somewhere outside of Boone, riding with my window down so I could take some last pictures, I heard this zzz-zup! kind of sound and at the same time I felt something wet hit the right side of my face. I said, "What the heck was that?!" I thought Kelly, who was sitting behind me, had flicked water or something. When I wiped my face with my hand and looked at it, I saw that it was bug guts! Ugh! It also got on my sunglasses, the upper part of my seatbelt and the inside of the car near where the seatbelt connects to the car between the front and back passenger doors. It was so gross, yet kind of funny. I don't know what kind of bug it was. It was too busted up to tell. Ick.

It's not unusual for me to fall asleep if I'm in a car for more than an hour. As a matter of fact, it would be unusual if I didn't fall asleep. So naturally I fell asleep somewhere between Wilkesboro and Winston-Salem. I was very tired. I still am, but I wanted to get this written and get some pictures up.

We had a really great day and now the kids are in bed sleeping. The only low point was a crappy email I got from someone. :-( God, give me strength.

Anyway, I forgot to mention that when you take 52 north out of Winston-Salem, you pass by Pilot Mountain. I haven't been there in many years. Not since my early 20s. I'd like to take the kids up there soon. Maybe within the next week or two. The views from the top (well, near the top) are quite lovely.

Happy Trails and Football

The kids wanted to go to the park yesterday after school. Especially Sean since he had yet to go with me and Kelly. At first I didn't really want to go because it was a little chilly (upper 50s), but then around 4:30 I changed my mind and off to Hagan Stone we went.We really enjoyed our walk down one of the trails. We stopped at some large rocks (where Kelly and I have stopped before) and the kids enjoyed climbing on them.

Further down the trail, I happened to look off to our right and saw a deer standing there looking at us. When it took off at a slow run, another deer followed. Unfortunately every picture I tried to take of the deer (including what would've been a great shot as the one deer stood looking at us) came out very blurry. Figures. I was quite frustrated.

There is a deer there, in the middle below a horizontal branch. Enlarge to see.

At about a quarter to six, we left the park and came home. The kids weren't ready to come in yet and after a bit, I joined them outside.

Sean wanted to toss around his football, so I did that with him for awhile. Several times Sean wanted me to wait for him to run one way and then throw the ball to him in the opposite direction (say, to his left) and the plan was for him to cut back and catch the ball. I got so tickled at him at one point (as he was so focused on the point he was running to and didn't cut back when I expected him to) that I busted out laughing and couldn't stop for a few minutes. I was crying with laughter and even snorted a few times. (I'm such a lady.) I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard.

When the sun was nearing the horizon and it was getting cooler, I told the kids that it was time to go in. They both commented that they'd enjoyed their time at the park and tossing around the football with me.

I made a simple supper - macaroni and tomatoes. Sean had Grandma bring him Bojangle's. (He doesn't like macaroni and tomatoes, or much of anything really.) I told him he could have it, but only once a week. So he'd have to wait until next week to eat it again. He was fine with that.

After a lot of fussing from me because they were dragging their feet, as usual, the kids finally went to bed. I then watched my shows (Heroes, a little of House, CSI: Miami and One Tree Hill - DVRd) before getting online.

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Charlie might be home today. I don't know if he'll be going to the mountains with us tomorrow or not. My mom was planning on going with us, but now she might have to work. So it may end up being just me and my kids. That makes my mom nervous, but I've driven the Parkway before. It's a pleasant drive. And this is something I really want to do. It's been too long.

Hold On and Let Go!

When people, Christians, know you're going through something that is hard for you to bear, they tell you one of two things: "Hold on" and "Let go". Often they tell you to do both. It sounds contradictory, but what it means is to hold on to God and to let go of your problem and let God fix it.

For the first few months of this awful situation I've been in, I held onto it as tightly as I could, afraid to let go. Then I felt like I had let go and told people (the few who know) that I had. I really believed that I had. But if you're still worrying about something and thinking, "Oh, God, what's going to happen? What's going to become of me and my family?" (in that fretting, "woe is me" tone), then you haven't let go of it and allowed God to fix it.

Well, I really feel like I have finally let go. But not in the "I give up" sense of letting go. I definitely have not given up. To give up is something I don't easily do. I can hold on (while letting go) for a long time.

You see, I know what I want and I know, generally speaking, what I and my family need. I know what God's will is (again, generally speaking) for us. I know that He wants good and godly things for us. I want it too. I know that He wants us to have joy, peace, godliness, love and many other good things.

There is a way that I very much want for things to work out. But I've finally reached the point where I can let go of the problem and let go of how I want God to fix it and have begun to pray that either God fix the problem and make things right with it again, or remove the problem if it refuses to be fixed and to bring something better into our lives.

This has not been an easy place for me to get to. What might have to be removed from my life is something I have loved deeply and at one time was the will of God for me and my family. And still could be, if it will be mended.

It's a very hard thing to let go of something you love, trusting God to fix it, or replace it with something better if it will not allow itself to be made right again and to be what we need.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There have been many times these past few months where I really didn't think I could take it anymore. I felt like I had reached the limit of my strength and my sanity. There were times where I literally screamed and cried with despair and frustration. Many times I sobbed, unable to speak, until my eyes were puffy and bloodshot and my face was red and blotchy. I wanted to just run and keep on running and never come back. I wanted to escape, to be free of the darkness and the pain.

I suppose sometimes the way of escape is a long, dark road. And escape doesn't always mean getting away from your problems. I think it usually means you are able to rise above your problems and find a peace that passes understanding, and a faith that things will be okay on the other side of your storm. Even if things don't work out the way you want them to. If you allow God to take care of it, He can give you something better than what you had (even if that something is the thing that was broken - He can make that thing better) and better than what you hoped for. What God wants for us is always better than what we want for ourselves.

And so, I have let go. I have put the reins completely in God's hands. He can take care of things better than I can. And He can steer my life and the life of my family in the right direction. I can't even see where I'm going, so it's best if I don't do the driving. :-)

Friday Evening

After getting Kelly from school yesterday (Mom got Sean), we did our usual Friday grocery shopping. We went to Kiosco, a new Mexican restaurant, after going to Target and getting gas. Someone at a forum I'm a member of recommended it and since I can't go back to Monterrey's without Charlie, I decided to try Kiosco as a possible substitute.

The salsa was good (something you'd think is easy, but I've had not-so-good salsa) and the nachos (many Mexican restaurants serve nachos with clumpy cheese - I hate that), but the meat in my taco was a little too salty. I'll probably go back anyway and give them a chance to get it right.

A man who I assume is the manager came around to see how we were doing. He seemed nice, but I had a hard time understanding him because of his thick accent. I felt embarrassed and kind of awful. Especially when I would just look at him for a second or two and just say, "Yeah". lol

He came around to talk to us a few times. At one point asking where he'd seen me before and that he probably just remembers me from back when he worked at Mi Pueblo's. (Mi Pueblo's shut down a couple years ago and was located across from Kiosco.) He told me that he has two kids in elementary school and asked if we live nearby. (That would be a "no.") When I told him that we used to go to Mi Pueblo's years ago, he asked if I was a teenager back then (I laughed and said "no") and he told me that I look young. I said, "I'm not that young." And he said again that I look young.

I get that a lot. People are always surprised when they find out how old I am.

We then went to Food Lion once we were done eating, and after bringing the groceries home, we went to Borders. I bought Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens and the New Moon movie companion. Kelly got a Tinker Bell book (based on the movie that's supposed to come out soon) and a bookmark.

I changed into more comfortable clothing (a T-shirt and black sweats) after we got home and started reading the New Moon movie companion, but fell asleep on the couch before I got that far into it. I woke up about three or four hours later. My goodness. I hadn't realized I was so tired. Kelly had gone to bed (my bed) while I was sleeping.

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No plans for today. We had planned on going to the mountains, but it's supposed to rain there today. So now we might wait until Wednesday. My mom wants to go with us and that's the next day she has off after tomorrow. So far the weather looks decent for Wednesday. I've debated going since I don't want the kids to miss school, but I feel like I need this. Is it okay that I be a little selfish?

Charlie has been in New York (Ithaca) and may or may not be here for the trip to the mountains. But as I wrote in a previous entry, we're going with or without him. We've missed out on too much because of his job. Enough is enough.

Superwoman

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough? Not that you're not good at what you already do, but that you need to do more? Have you ever felt the pressure to be superwoman? Like being a good wife and mother just aren't enough anymore and now you have to become some amazing, nearly perfect creature?

That's where I am now and I've been feeling it for a couple days.

As I've written about before, my only work qualifications are in retail and that just doesn't feel like it will be enough, by far.

Nurses do great things, but I don't have the stomach for it.

I want my husband to be proud of me and even awed by me if possible. But I can't think of what I can do that will cause that response in him.

Even though I give my all (or nearly my all; I'm not perfect) as a wife and mother, lately it just doesn't feel like it's enough. I feel like a failure in spite of my devotion. Well, not really a failure. I'm not sure what word I'm looking for.

I just feel so ordinary. Maybe even less than ordinary. I've been doing a lot of thinking trying to come up with something I can do or be that will be impressive or admirable. Not to others. To my husband. And so far I can't think of anything.

I see these women on news programs, talk shows, movies and TV dramas who are beautiful and successful and amazing, and I feel like I can't compare. I feel like I'm falling short of what I should be as a woman. But I have no real talents and while I'm not stupid, I don't feel intelligent enough to do anything important. Beyond being a wife and mother. These things are important, but I feel like, as I said, I need to do more.

I'm stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck. I don't know which direction to go in or what to do or how to become a better woman. I'm praying that God will show me the way and give me the answers I need. Because so far, I've got nothing.

Perseverance

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't." -- Henry Ward Beecher

"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"
-- Author Unknown

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." -- Author Unknown

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there." -- Josh Billings

"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground." -- Author Unknown

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." -- Japanese Proverb

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did." -- Newt Gingrich

"He conquers who endures." -- Persius

"You can't go through life quitting everything. If you're going to achieve anything, you've got to stick with something." -- From the television show Family Matters

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer." -- Albert Einstein

"There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream." -- Author Unknown

"Perseverance... keeps honor bright: to have done, is to hang quite out of fashion, like a rusty nail in monumental mockery." -- William Shakespeare

"The drops of rain make a hole in the stone not by violence but by oft falling." -- Lucretius

"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." -- Author Unknown

"Saints are sinners who kept on going." -- Robert Louis Stevenson

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday." -- Author Unknown

"One may go a long way after one is tired." -- French Proverb

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second." -- William James

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use." -- Earl Nightingale

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." -- William Feather

"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." -- Jacob A. Riis

Fall Festival

After getting groceries Friday and eating supper at Poblano's (our first time there; it was okay), the kids and I came home and watched most of The Fellowship of the Ring. I made chocolate cake while we were watching it. Yum!

Sean had a low fever Friday, so he stayed home from school. He acted fine otherwise.

Yesterday we went to the Fall festival at Bur-Mil Park. It started at 10:00 and we got there at around 10:30. The day started off cool, but quickly warmed up a little once the sun came out.

The kids really enjoyed the many games that were there (ring toss, bowling, bean bag toss, etc.) and other activities - face painting (Sean skipped on that), pumpkin decorating, a fire truck and the hayride.

Sean playing a bowling game.

This one cracked me up when I took it.

Kelly sitting inside the fire truck.

Standing in front of the fire truck.

The Chick-fil-A cow mascot was there. I kind of got a kick out of watching him/her dance around a little. It was cute.

They also had food at the festival. Kelly had funnel cake and a snow cone for the first time. Sean got popcorn and a Pepsi.

The hayride was interesting. I think our driver thought he was in a race. I've never been on such a fast hayride. We arrived back minutes before the hayride that had left several minutes before us got back. I wanted to take more pictures while on the hayride other than the one I managed to take, but I had to put my camera back in my purse so that I could hold on. lol The kids really enjoyed it though.

Sean waiting for the hayride to start.

The one picture I managed to take on the hayride.

We stayed for about 3½ hours before I gave the "Time to go" announcement. It suddenly got too crowded to enjoy. If you're having to wade through the crowd and even stand still at times before you can move, it's time to go.

Sean and Kelly really enjoyed the festival. Sean said that it was the best Fall festival he had ever been to and that the hayride was the best one he'd ever been on. I guess because it was fast. lol Kelly said, "This is the best day ever." She also said that when we went to Hagan Stone Park a week or so ago. :-) I think she's said it a couple other times as well.

I got online shortly after getting home, but it wasn't long before I started nodding off at my computer. Even though it was 5:30 in the evening, I had to lay down and take a nap. I didn't have the energy to cook supper. I slept for about an hour (I would've slept longer if I hadn't set my alarm) and then got up to make a quick supper. We then finished watching The Fellowship of the Ring. Sean wanted to start The Two Towers after that, but it was after 9:00 and they needed to get ready for bed.

Sean's fever went up yesterday evening to 101.6°, so that means no church today. And here I'd thought he was doing better. *sigh* That's been his only symptom - a fever.

Faith

As some of you know, I've been going through a very difficult and stressful time for a few months now. A few know exactly what's going on, but most don't.

Things are at a point where many would say, "Well, it's over now. This is it. This is how it's going to be." It is at this point that many would accept how things are and go ahead and tell everyone what's happened.

I am not one of those people.

I refuse to give up and accept anything less than how things should be. I will not accept anything other than what God's will is. Nothing is too hard for God. I have put my situation in His hands. He can fix things a lot better than I ever could.

And so it is with hope and faith in God that I face the days ahead of me. Does this mean there will be no more tears? I don't think so. I expect I will cry some more and doubt will probably try to creep in again from time to time. I've been through enough in life to know that anytime I go through a difficult time there are times when my faith is strong and times when I start to feel doubt and despair again. But then I pray and my faith is made strong again. Once I put my situation in God's hands, even if I still feel down sometimes after that, the darkest days of my situation are usually behind me.

So though my situation has not improved, I have faith that God will work things out as they should be. With God all things are possible.

Lovely Day

Sometime after getting Kelly from school, we went to Hagan Stone Park for a bit. (Mom had picked up Sean from school early because he wasn't feeling well, so he wasn't with us.) We went to the playground first, then walked down to the shoreline before walking down one of the trails.

It was a beautiful day. The temperature was around 70° and there was a gentle breeze. The trees smelled wonderful. I wish we could've stayed out there longer, but we had to get back home to eat supper and for Kelly to do her homework.

Here are just a few of the many pictures I took at the park today.

Victory

Things don't appear better, but I'm believing they will be. I'm thanking God in advance.

Full song here:

Click.